Friday, December 31, 2010

Book Review - Tithing: Test Me in This


I have just finished reading the book “Tithing: Test Me in This” by Douglas LeBlanc. The tome is one of eight in The Ancient Practices Series. The book was nothing like I expected, which was a biblically-based history lesson on tithing. Instead, the author interviews individuals and couples from diverse backgrounds and denominations and tells their stories of why they tithe and how their lives have been enriched by the discipline.

Because the book is broken down into eleven different narratives, it is an easy read. It isn’t full of heavy theological concepts; it is simply a snapshot of people’s experiences with giving their first fruits to God. Ironically, although the author briefly touches on his history with tithing, he does not go into detail of how the practice has affected his own life.

When I first started reading, I was disappointed by the lack of mention of the Scriptures, with the exception of Malachi 3:10. I felt better as I continued, and was particularly pleased with the chapter on Randy Alcorn, as several verses were referenced. In his defense, LeBlanc does state early on that the book “is not an exhaustive treatment of tithing or the theology related to it” and does a good job demonstrating that tithing is a widely universal practice.

In general, this book would be good for introducing the concept of tithing to those unfamiliar with it. Examining different accounts of the practice may provide insight as to why believers choose to give and may inspire the reader to “test God,” as His Word challenges. Those who already take part in the practice may discover some interesting new concepts, such as graduated tithing and the multilayered tithing approach.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Confession: I am dreading Monday

On Monday, I go back to work. It will be quite a while until I get another break - probably in the spring. Part of me is simply dreading it. I truly wish I didn't have to go back. I wish I could make a fresh start in a career that suits me better.

Last week, I received a letter granting me provisional acceptance into the Massage Therapy program at CCBC. As long as I earn a 'C' or better in Anatomy & Physiology, I'm in. I had to turn down the acceptance, though. Number 1, I was accepted for a spring start - which is solely a day-time program. Number 2, I never finished A&P. Number 3, I realized that my desire to have more children is bigger than my desire to attend school.

I thought I was at peace with the decision, so I was a bit surprised when I started crying watching a commercial for the Baltimore School of Massage. There was just a real longing in my soul as I felt the possibility of becoming a massage therapist gently slipping away.

If I had only one wish, I would quit my job and attend the BSOM massage program full time. I could be finished in as little as 7 months! Wouldn't that be amazing?!?

Sadly, we're not in a financial situation that would allow me to do that. With the choices we've made, we can't live on Harry's salary alone. But I feel in the pit of my stomach that something needs to change. I only wish I knew where to go from here.

All I can do is give my career over to the Lord. He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not harm me. I trust He has everything under control. I just wish He would show me where to go.

New Year's Eve

This day snuck up on me. I wasn't really ready for it yet, but here it is. Normally on this day, I spend the day in reflection - looking back on my accomplishments of the past year and making resolutions for the one to come. This year, I can't seem to embrace the tradition.

Number 1, I am so disappointed in 2010. This was supposed to be my year of Action - the kickoff to a huge Ephesians 3:20 decade. It was anything but. This year was largely filled with darkness, depression, inactivity, isolation, stress, anxiety, and feeling lost. The year was nothing like I imagined it would be at the end of 2009, celebrating at the Melting Pot with my two best friends.

Number 2, every time I make a resolution, I break it. Not intentionally. But for whatever reason, I never seem to stick to what I set out for myself. (Perhaps there is a self-sabotage issue that needs to be dealt with - but that would be a totally different post!)

All that said, I am determined to see big Breakthroughs in 2011. In my faith, in my family, in my health, in my career. Instead of making resolutions I know I won't keep, I simply promise this at the cusp of the New Year: to keep my focus on God and His will for my life. If I do that, everything else will work out.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Back to the Grind

I came into work today. Our school is closed, so it's pretty much a ghost town here. I had to work because, although I am stationed at UMB, I am technically an HHMI employee, so I follow a different vacation schedule than my co-workers. Yesterday, I decided to work from home. After all, I didn't want to be the only person in my building. (Even the security guards and housekeeping staff are on vacation). That turned out to be a mistake. I didn't get a thing done. I used to work from home a lot when Bianca was younger, and I never had any problems. Now that she is running all over the place, it's not as easy.

Because I am under grant deadline, I had to bite the bullet and come into work today. Even though it's bothered me the past two years, today, it feels quite nice being the only one here. I have been super productive this morning. At this point, I have one slight budget issue to fix, and I need to have a meeting with one of the investigators on Monday to get some more of the technical details, but after that, it should be smooth sailing! Considering how awful my last grant was, this one feels like a walk in the park!

And since my supervisor is on maternity leave, this one is solely in my hands. I finally feel like I'm getting the chance to prove myself, and it feels good. Everything feels like it is under control. We should not only be able to submit our proposal on time, we should be able to submit early! Again, this is complete opposite of our last application. I am hardly stressing at all. Praise God!

I have a few more easy tasks to complete, and then I'm calling it a day. Bianca and I will be going to Harry's Christmas tournament tonight. His game isn't until 7:30 PM, though, so it's going to be a long night for our Little One. (Who am I kidding? It's going to be a long night for me, too!)

For about a month now, Bianca has been having trouble sleeping. Of course, that means Mommy has also had trouble sleeping. Last night, though, was wonderful. I had a terrible headache, so Harry told me to go to bed early. At 8:00 PM, both Bianca and I went to bed. She cried for about 5 minutes, then she fell asleep. I was out not much longer. She didn't make any noise again until 4:40 this morning! I was so happy! My headache went away, and I was able to get over 8 hours of constant sleep! Such a HUGE blessing!

Today, my sticky note from God says, "Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness. Psalm 112:4." It's making me quite giddy because it's reiterating the message my pastor gave on Christmas. Yes, 2011 is going to be my Breakthrough year, but it's only because Jesus is lighting the way. It is simply wonderful having something so tangible to hold onto!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

cookies and ice cream and cake...Oh My!

The past few weeks (aka - the Holiday Season), I have been eating terribly. No treat has been too good for my belly! I have also been drinking lots of soda. My body is definitely paying the price: my pants are too tight, and my face is broken out. I definitely need to clean up my diet and start exercising. Every year I make a New Year's Resolution to do just that - and lose 30 pounds in the process - but I end up making poor choices pretty much right off the bat.

I'm hoping that 2011 - my Breakthrough year - will be different. Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It's clear that if I want to see real change, I have to approach my weight loss in a different way than I have been all these years. I only wish I knew exactly what it would take to make a lasting impact. If I had the answer, I would already be much healthier right now.

My Answer is Yes

I'm sitting in front of the fire, enjoying it's beauty and warmth, as Harry and Bianca are napping upstairs. Snow is coming down outside, covering the ground with a powdery white blanket. I just feel incredibly serene right now.

We had a wonderful Christmas. I loved the message our pastor gave during the Christmas service. He focused on Jesus being the light in the darkness and a fount of water in the desert. I won't try to repeat it, but it was simply beautiful. We turned off all the lights in the church, lit a single candle from the Advent wreath, and then passed the flame from neighbor to neighbor. By the end, the entire church was brightly lit. We then sang, "Jesus, Light of the World" as we held our candles high. Tears were pouring out of my eyes. We then had communion to remember Jesus' biggest sacrifice and the true reason He came to earth. Finally, our pastor challenged us. Jesus says "Follow Me." He wants either a yes or a no, not a maybe. What is your answer going to be?

I asked Jesus into my heart in 1999. And even though I was on fire for a few months in the beginning, I never truly committed to living my life for God. For too many reasons, I was living life as a lukewarm Christian - saying all the right things, but not truly surrendering my life. My feet were planted on two sides of the fence. I wanted to trust that Jesus could provide everything for me, yet refused to let go of the world.

But 2011 is my Breakthrough year. It's the year when I am going to make great strides in my life - all because I finally let go. I have surrendered my life to Christ. I give him a resounding "YES" this Christmas!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

New Beginnings

Today, something amazing happened: I had new visitors to my blog thanks to a post on a new friend's blog. And while I was excited to receive comments by some lovely ladies, I was also a bit embarrassed. A blog should be an expression of oneself, and frankly, I don't like what I have been presenting to the world. I am truly ashamed of my self-centeredness and negativity. Just as Jesus came into the world to shine light on our sins, these strong Christian women shone a light on mine.

The good news is that new beginnings are possible. From this point forward, I hope to write with intention, taking the focus off of myself and putting it back on the One who deserves so much more glory than my little life will be able to show.

So, welcome to "Whole in Him." I still have the same goal to become healthy in mind, body, and spirit.....only now I will continue my journey with my eyes focused upward. I look forward to the changes that God will bring to me in my breakthrough year. And all glory will be His!! "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14 NIV

#reverb10: Future Self

December 21 Prompt: Future self
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?

2011 is going to be a pretty amazing year for you. You’ve been wishing for a breakthrough, and it will definitely come. The difference between this year and every other year is you finally have your priorities in order. You cling to God in a way that you never have before. You are hungry for His Word. You have the love and support of friends who share your beliefs. You read blogs that help you along your journey. You aren’t afraid to live your Christian life out loud. You will find a joy and a hope that eluded you in 2010. You will grow by leaps and bounds. Not just in your faith, but in all areas of your life.

Remember that life is a series of peaks and valleys. You’ve just gone through a pretty low year, but you will start climbing again. As Third Day says, “I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.” It won’t happen overnight, but your breakthrough will come. You will receive blessings you haven’t even dreamed of yet. You just need to stay focused on your Creator and your Redeemer.

May this Christmas season bring you peace and kindliness of heart. May your celebrations be full of joy, laughter, and rediscovery of the beauty of a gift wrapped in swaddling clothes. Remember that Jesus is the gift of a lifetime. A gift that can forever light your way.

Wrapping Party

Last night at church we had a wrapping party. Over 100 needy children in our community were given presents by CCC. Under lit trees and Christmas carols being played by an accordian, several members of the church wrapped hundreds of presents. I had a lot of fun getting to know two ladies over the organized mayhem. I also thoroughly enjoyed the cookies and punch served to sustain us!

My only hope is that through this Community Christmas Project many families will come to know Christ. That would be the greatest gift of all!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Thank You, Chelle

Sorry I haven't acknowledged it sooner, but I really appreciate you stopping by my blog. I also appreciate your suggestion of AdvoCare as a way to make some extra money. I will definitely keep the opportunity in mind, but I recently gave up on a Direct Sales business I was trying to manage. I don't think I have the time or the energy to start another one at this point. But you never know where the future will lead us!

I think you're a pretty amazing person:
~ You're a Christian!
~ You're a wife!
~ You're a mom to a beautiful daugther!
~ You're a personal trainer!
~ You're a runner!
~ You made a bold move in your career!
~ You were raised Catholic (so was I!)
~ You love to read!
~ You love to write!
~ You are part of a small group!
~ Your blog is so inspiring to me!

It's a shame we live so far away from each other. I think you'd make a wonderful friend!!

#reverb10: Beyond Avoidance

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance
What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?

I should have read my Bible, I should have joined a cell group, I should have started volunteering in the nursery, I should have completed a devotional with Harry. In short, I should have made God more of a priority.

#reverb10: Healing

December 19 Prompt: Healing
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I think writing healed me this year. Specifically, Reverb 10 healed me. Having a daily prompt gives me a reason to write on a regular basis. Up until a few weeks ago, I was still in a very dark place in my life. But I now feel much more joyful and hopeful. I started feeling good again when I started writing on a regular basis. When I write, I feel alive.

In 2011, I would like to be healed in a dramatic way. My depression is, of course, a spiritual battle. And I know that God is victorious. But I have to open my heart completely to Him. I have to make Him number 1 in my life. I have to make Him my focus. If I do, I know I will see some pretty amazing fruit start to bloom.

#reverb10: Try

December 18 Prompt: Try
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

It may be difficult, but I want to try and narrow down exactly what I want my career to be. Then I want to try to incorporate pieces of it into my life as it is now. Even if I can't fully transition into a holistic health career in 2011, I want to see evidence in my life that I am working towards the goal. I don't want to feel stuck in my career anymore.

I wanted to try Massage School in 2010. I went for it. I loved pieces of it, but honestly not all of it. The experience helped me to broaden my thinking, though. The more holistic health experiences I try, the more I will be able to narrow down my ultimate career goal.

#reverb10: Lesson Learned

December 17 Prompt: Lesson Learned
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I don't think this is the "best" thing I've learned about myself, but I think it's the most important one to remember going forward. I am too negative. I have a tendency to focus on everything that’s wrong instead of celebrating what’s right in my life. I have depressive tendencies. I am generally too self-centered. These are parts of myself that I don't really like, but regardless, they are part of who I am. Going forward, I have to be more forgiving of myself. I also have to be joyful and grateful despite of myself.

#reverb10: Friendship

December 16 Prompt: Friendship
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

The one constant friend in my life this year has been Stephanie. She was with me when I set my intention for a year of action. She celebrated with me as I enrolled in my first massage class. We were together in a hotel room with a tiny balcony overlooking rough water when we realized how much we both valued quality Girls' Days. She reassured me when I questioned the decisions I made in life. She prayed for me when I was having personal issues. She challenged me to be a better version of myself. And when I failed miserably, she kept on cheering. I survived this crazy, dark year mainly because of her. I love her.

#reverb10: 5 Minutes

December 15 Prompt - 5 Minutes
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Sadly, I don't remember much about 2010. But I want to remember Bianca. Her smile, her laugh, her sloppy kisses. The feeling of her head pressing against my shoulder. Embracing her in tender hugs that I wish could linger forever.

I want to remember Harry. Feeling so safe as I lay in his arms. His soft kisses on the top of my head. Holding hands on the couch in front of the fire.

I want to remember Stephanie. Her words, her inspiration, her creativity. The fact that she came to Maryland when I was at my lowest point. Her true friendship that withstands time and distance.

I want to remember my family. My mom, my sister, Damian. My aunts and uncles. My grandma. My cousins and their families. My dad, my stepmom, and my brother. Throughout the craziness of life, my family has always been my constant support.

Most of all, I want to remember God's Grace. The gift of Jesus. The presence of the Holy Spirit. I want to remember that everything else is in vain. Without God, I am nothing.

#reverb10: Appreciate

December 14 Prompt: Appreciate
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?


The one thing I have come to appreciate most this past year is downtime. True downtime. Involving no work. No extended family obligations. No real agendas. Simply freedom to just be. I express gratitude for my downtime in many different ways. I write. I read. I play with my daughter. I cuddle with my husband. I take naps in the middle of the afternoon. I linger in a hot bath. I get sung underneath a warm blanket while the fire blazes in front of me. I breathe. I remember that inside the stillness, life is oh so good.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Born Again

I like to choose a theme song to start out every new year. I like to play it in my head or sing it out loud if I ever need extra help staying on track. Some of my past theme songs have been Wunderkind, Defying Gravity, and Limbo No More. I realized last night that I never chose a theme song for 2010. Could that be partly why my year was pretty much a dud?

I definitely want to start 2011 off on the right foot, so my theme song has already been chosen: "Born Again" by Third Day.

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

#reverb10: Action

December 13 Prompt: Action
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

My word for 2010 was supposed to be ACTION, and I love that it showed up at the end of the year. Perhaps it is a little nudge to remind me that it’s never too late to take action and make my dreams become reality. This prompt is also very apropos with Steph’s question, “What are you going to do?”

So what’s my next step? I am going to focus my attention on God and his amazing Grace. I am going to join a small group. I am going to volunteer at church. I am going to deliberately find things to be grateful for each day. In 2011, I am going to focus on developing a close and personal relationship with God. And everything else will take care of itself. I have no doubt that a true breakthrough will find me once my priorities are back in order.

Alternatives

I have read three books in a row that suggest eliminating cow dairy from your diet, mainly because it is very difficult to digest and it turns acidic once it is in the body. Ideally, I would like to transition to a more clean diet; however, even though the idea of veganism is appealing in theory, I think I would have a difficult time putting it into practice. You're looking at a woman who eats cold cereal pretty much every day and who absolutely adores melted cheese.

While I was in the grocery store yesterday, I saw a yogurt that caught my eye: SO Delicious Cultured Coconut Milk. I decided to give it a try.
Today, I tried Raspberry. It was surprisingly good. In fact, I think I like it better than regular yogurt. If all coconut milk tastes this good, it may not be as difficult to wean cow's milk as I orginally thought. The major downside is the price. It cost me $2.00 for a 6 oz container. There's no way I can justify spending that much on a regular basis. I need to learn the basics of eating organic on a budget (if there is such a thing!)

Grateful

We had a rough night last night. Bianca vomited pretty much all night long. The first time was around 11:30 PM. The poor baby had it all over her. I put her in the bathtub, held her, changed her sheets, and put her back to bed. Ten minutes later she was sick again. Instead of putting her back in the tub, I wiped her down and then took her into our bedroom, where she got sick a third time. We went downstairs and had her drink some water. She continued to get sick several times after that. I thought we were in the clearing at 3:30 AM when she finally was able to go to sleep, until she got sick again at 5:15 AM. I gave her a bath at 6:30 AM, and Harry whisked her away to Aunt Dot's at 7:00 AM.

Despite feeling terrible that I couldn't just stay home and comfort her today, I'm feeling grateful this morning.
~ This is the first time in 15 months that Bianca got really sick.
~ It most likley isn't anything too serious.
~ I was able to stay up with her and comfort her all night long.
~ I started my day with a hot shower and a fresh start.
~ Even though I don't really like snow, there is something magical about the flurries coming down.
~ I will be able to celebrate Christmas with new friends tonight at MOPS.
~ I can feel myself coming back to life again.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Great Service

~ Bianca was excited to go into the toddler room.
~ I was moved to tears during worship.
~ I looked over at my husband in prayer during communion and I was overwhelmed with love.
~ A baby boy smiled at me.
~ Watching three women in the same small group interact with each other touched my heart.
~ I was humbled listening about God's generous nature and his amazing Grace.
~ I shared a hug and brief conversation after the service with my new friend Lisa.
~ I signed up to help out at the wrapping party next Monday.
~ I picked up information on a mission's trip.
~ I made preparations for tomorrow night's MOPS meeting.
~ I fell in love with CCC all over again.

#reverb10: Body Integration

December 12 Prompt: Body Integration
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

The main thing I am realizing from these prompts is I really wasted this year. Most of the time, I was withdrawn inside of myself. I was rarely present in the moment. I was completely self-centered. I was depressed. I often complained. I wasn't grateful. I wasn't joyful. I was barely living. Body integration wasn't even on my radar. Without a doubt, I need to make some major changes in 2011. I need to start LIVING again.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

#reverb10: 11 Things

December 11 Prompt: 11 Things
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. 30 extra pounds
2. Excessive stress
3. Processed foods
4. Refined Sugar
5. White Flour
6. Caffeine
7. Red Meat
8. Self-sabotage
9. Selfishness
10. Lethargy
11. Depression

Getting rid of these things would greatly impact my life for the better. I would be healthier, more energetic, more attractive, more confident, more joyful, and more successful. Eliminating them will not be easy. In fact, I’ve wanted to let go of them for a few years now. I will just have to make a firm decision and stick with it. Willpower and the desire to make a lasting change are the keys. I can’t let fear get in the way.

#reverb10: Wisdom

December 10 Prompt: Wisdom
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?


The wisest decision I made this year was starting to take classes towards my massage therapy degree. The moment I walked into my first class I knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be. Even though I didn’t finish the program, the whole experience reaffirmed my love for holistic health. I don’t know what it will ultimately look like in the end, but I know for sure that I am meant to be a holistic health practitioner. I was very proud of myself for following a dream that had been tucked in my heart for so long. I just hope I continue to be brave in this area.

#reverb10: Beautifully Different

December 8 Prompt: Beautifully Different
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I am a Christian.
I love passionately.
I served a year in AmeriCorps, but I haven’t done any community service since.
I want another biological child and two adopted children.
My favorite movies are PS I Love You and the Notebook.
I love learning about holistic health.
I bake a sweet treat for all of my coworkers’ birthdays.
I have two Master’s degrees, but don’t use them.
I really dislike my toenails.
My husband and I have little in common, but I’m simply crazy about him.
I hate being cold.
I own 12 cookbooks, but I’ve never tried one recipe from any of them.
I sang at church for over 15 years.
I could eat chocolate, cereal, or pizza any time of day.
I love Bianca more than words could ever describe, but Damian will always be my first baby.
I love the beach.
I played clarinet, bass clarinet, and piano, but I gave them up in order to sing.
I have big ideas, but don’t always take action to make them reality.
I have a difficult time finishing what I start.
I wear my wedding ring and engagement ring on two different hands. (They are two different metals, and wearing them both together breaks out my hands.)
I love to write.
I have a terrible sense of direction.
I dream of owning a purple convertible and a beach cottage.
I have really pretty eyes.
I am pretty shy in crowds, but I love being in the spotlight on stage.
I was in a beauty pageant in 6th grade.
I suffer from migraines.
It doesn’t take much to make me cry.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

December 7th

It's 10 AM. I should be at work. But I simply didn't want to go in today. I woke up with a bit of a lingering headache, so I used that as my excuse to go in late. But here I sit - unwilling to go. I need to go in, especially because I took off tomorrow to attend several appointments - and I eventually will. But I just can't bring myself to move at the moment.

I'm sitting in silence, listening to the hum of the heat and a single cricket outside that sounds like it's freezing to death. My stomach just gargled, and ice dropped from the ice maker. My fingers are playing a tapping melody on the keyboard, and the laptop is droning quietly. This silence is completely golden and exactly what my head needs at the moment. I'm not quite ready to go into the cold, into the traffic, into the mess that is my office. I want to stay here - in the quiet, warm comfort of my home. Writing, reflecting, giving my soul the respite it so desperately needs.

Today's Reverb word is Community. In that spirit, I went surfing the internet for the beginning of my new holistic health community. And I landed upon the most wonderful resource: breathe books. Not only is it a holistic bookstore, but classes are offered there. In addition, the owner is a certified instructor in ayurveda and offers workshops. I have done some research on the topic before, and it reappeared again in my Stress Management class. I don't think it is a coincidence that it is appearing again. Especially because my spirit is reacting so positively towards it. The next intensive workshop being offered is January 15 and January 22. The problem is it costs $425 before December 18 and $495 after. I really, really want to attend this workshop. I feel like it is exactly what I need to do. But I have a feeling my husband will balk at the idea when he hears of the price. He got upset at me for spending $63 at Target. There's no way he will approve of spending nearly $500 on a two-day workshop, especially when he just views me as someone who can't make up her mind about her career. Anyone have any suggestions on how to (morally!) make a quick $500?

#reverb10: Community

December 7 Prompt: Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?


In 2010, I have dwelt in a land of solidarity, as opposed to community. I realize I don’t have a lot of friends. Ok…I take that back. I have plenty of friends. Just not ones I would feel comfortable calling at 3:00 in the morning if I was in trouble. Last night was the perfect example. I had a terrible migraine. I threw up three times in the car and twice at home. I couldn’t even keep down a small sip of tea. I was in so much pain, and I felt terribly weak. I kept apologizing to Bianca as she stood in the bathroom next to me lying on the floor, looking horribly confused. Had I had a close friend, I could have called her and asked her to take care of Bianca for me until Harry got home.

I did, however, discover a lot more bloggers that I love in 2010. Reading blogs led me to other blogs. There are so many interesting and inspiring people in the world. Everyone has a story and it’s fascinating to read about their mundane adventures. It’s amazing how much I see myself in other people. The world is really small, and we are all connected. Like I told Steph, I found my ideal life coach in Florida and my ideal personal trainer in Texas! That being said, I do seem to take up a lot more time at work reading blogs. Perhaps I wouldn’t be as stressed and behind on my task list if I limited my online reading. Then again, my favorite blogs tend to keep me sane at work. Guess I have to find that ever-elusive balance!

In 2011, I would like to be surrounded with nutritious people. I would like to join a small group, growing closer to other Christians and to God. I would like to volunteer at church, gaining a sense of ownership and belonging at CCC. I would like to be surrounded by like-minded people at work, having transitioned to a holistic health field. I would like to have an inspiring mentor, an empowering life coach, a transformational personal trainer, and a miracle worker of an esthetician. I would like to have close friendships with bright, witty, compassionate people. Friends who feel just as comfortable calling me in their time of need as I do calling them in mine.

#reverb10: Make

December 6 prompt: Make
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Honestly I can’t remember the last thing I made. I love the idea of creation, but I haven’t tapped into that side of myself in a really long time. I’ve made some collages on my computer – but I'm not sure that counts. It’s certainly not the same as playing with magazines, scissors, glue and paint (which I haven’t done in such a long time!)

I can think of a few things I’d like to make if I would only clear the time for it:

1) A new “good girl” chart. It was my spin-off on Damian’s “good boy” chart. If he was good so many days in a row, he was given a reward. The last “good girl” chart I made was an exercise chart before my wedding. I decorated it with motivating words and images, as well as pictures of beach-themed weddings. Each time I exercised, I earned a smiley face sticker. I got a bonus sticker if I drank 64 oz of water or ate under my calories. It was fun to fill up my chart, but I never actually rewarded myself. If I ever make a new one, I will definitely stick to that element. Not only to motivate myself, but to pat myself on the back for a job well done.

2) A book of love letters for Harry. I would make a collage on the cover composed of images and words of love. Then I would just pour my heart out to him. He really is a wonderful husband, and I don’t show my appreciation for him enough.

3) Another journal for Bianca. This time I would decorate the cover, focus on telling her story (as opposed to my own), and add pictures of her to go along with the chronicles. I might even add some colorful doodles or inspiring poems for her.

4) A new vision board. This one would focus solely on my career. A change in that area definitely needs to occur. Capturing exactly what I need and want in a tangible way would be a great place to start.

5) A homemade, healthy, delicious meal. One that doesn’t come out of a box or the freezer.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

"What Are You Going To Do?"

I wanted to scream or punch something when she kept asking that question. "She" being my best friend and co-pilot who was desperately trying to keep me on my flight path. My thoughts swarmed: "Can't you see I don't have any answers? Why are you bugging me about this? Why don't you stop talking? Can't you see you're not helping anything?" Little did I know, she was helping far more than either one of us realized.

Yesterday, Bianca and I took a bus tip to NYC with my mom, my sister, Damian, and Tony. I was against this trip from the very beginning. Number 1, I didn't think Bianca would do well on the bus. Number 2, the city was going to be crowded, and I am not a fan of crowds lately. Number 3, it was going to be freezing. The trip ended up being worse than I imagined. "At least I can enjoy the Christmas vendors and a nice lunch" was my original thought. Too bad neither one of those things occurred. We didn't visit one vendor, and lunch was at a dirty pizza place. I was so happy to get back on the bus and head towards home.

This morning I woke up feeling extra grumpy. For whatever reason, I am having my second period in two weeks, so my hormones are out of whack. On top of that, Bianca didn't sleep well at all last night, so in turn, neither did I. Apparently I have been in a perpetual bad mood lately, but I haven't really noticed it. This morning, I did. And Stephanie's question burned inside my ears. "What are you going to do?"

I didn't go to church. I didn't sign up for counseling. I didn't research personal trainers or life coaches. I didn't make a plan for my breakthrough year. I simply decided to clean our master bathroom. Because it was filthy. Because it was long overdue. Because whenever company comes over, every room BUT that one gets cleaned. Because I always seem to put off the most difficult tasks.

"What are you going to do?" I am going to scrub the shower floor. I am going to polish the counters. I am going to wipe down the mirror. I am going to scrub the toilet. And then scrub the shower floor again because it still looks dirty. I am going to remove the soap scum from the shower door. I am going to throw out expired medicine. I am going to rearrange the cabinet. I am going to clean my bathroom. One surface at a time.

I still don't have an answer to that looming question just yet, but like Harry said, "The bathroom looks brand new." And somehow that is exactly what I needed.

#reverb10: Let Go

December 5 prompt: Let Go
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?


I let go of a few material possessions this year – clothes, shoes, shot glasses, Liz Taylor dolls, books – that didn’t feel like me anymore. Stephanie told me that I should start shedding things that no longer fit the person who I am and the person I hope to grow into. For whatever reason, the concept made complete sense to me. I still feel like there is so much more clutter in our house that eventually needs to go, but I will get to it in due time.

I let go of Anatomy & Physiology. The timing and the circumstances were way off in my life, and it was best to withdraw from the class. It was exactly what I needed to do at the time.

I let go of a job opportunity. The new position would have brought with it a better title, a raise, and room for growth. Again, the timing and circumstances in my job were a bit off, and I knew it was the best thing for me to stay exactly where I was.

I let go of Pink Papaya. When all is said in done, I spent way more money than I ever made, and I just don’t have the passion for it like I did in the beginning. I think a lot of that has to due with the fact that although the products are infused with botanicals, they are a far cry from being organic. If I am ever to embrace a truly holistically healthy lifestyle, the products don’t quite fit in.

I let go of singing at church. I sang at my church for over 15 years. Singing was a huge part of who I was. Now that I am attending a new church, I no longer sing as a ministry. I thought I was ok with that, but I’m realizing lately that I really, really miss it. I am craving being a worship leader.

I let go of friendships that weren’t nurturing my spirit. As I was gaining a clearer picture of the kind of life I want to live and the person I want to be, I realized I didn’t have the energy to maintain friendships that were basically shallow in nature. I need my inner circle of friends to be composed of deep, positive, spiritual people. I also need there to be an equal exchange of energy.
Side note: That being said, I realize that I have been a draining friend lately. Steph, I’m so sorry our past two encounters in particular have been so depressing! You will be happy to know that I am coming back to life starting today. I owe you a fabulous girls day!!

#reverb10: Wonder

December 4th prompt: Wonder
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Without a doubt, the wonder and joy in my life this year came from experiencing life with my daughter. She showed me that it’s totally appropriate to rock out to “The 12 Days of Christmas” while on a tram during Winterfest. She reminded me that you can see the sights so much better on a bus if your hands and face are smashed up against the window. She taught me that music can be found anywhere – plastic blocks, wooden spoons, metal pots, bottles of aspiration.

I love how much she loves people. She smiles at most strangers, and they smile and say hi right back to her. She blows kisses. She gives tight hugs. She says “muah” when she kisses you. She waves. She loves to cuddle. She makes you feel like you’re the most important person in the world when she beams at you.

She is so content with the simplest things. She can read the same book over and over and still be as engrossed in it the fourth time as she was the first time. She thinks coasters and cake beaters are the best toys. She is filled with excitement each time the refrigerator or dish washer is opened. She loves blowing on Harry’s coach’s whistle.

She makes the silliest faces. She says “cheese” when she is posing for a picture. She can’t help but groove when catchy music plays. Even though she can’t quite talk, she still sings along to the ABC song and Old MacDonald. She melts my heart whenever she says “Daddy” or “Mom.”

This past year has gone by so quickly. In the blink of an eye, my tiny baby has grown into a little girl. I’m only sad that I missed so much of it.

Friday, December 3, 2010

#reverb 10: Moment

December 3 prompt: Moment
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

It’s sad to say that I had to think long and hard about this one. Much of this year has been a complete blur. I’d like to say the time was filled with many adventures and moments of sweet bliss, but I don’t think that was the case. Especially since August, I have been pretty much sleep-walking through life. I have been completely preoccupied by work or thoughts of work. And I don’t even like my job! This definitely has to change next year.
(Ugh! I can’t even complete a beautiful prompt without bringing up work. What is wrong with me?!?)

Moment. The time I felt most alive this year is a compilation of many precious moments split over a period of four days: Bianca’s first trip to Ocean City. Those four days at the end of March were absolute bliss for me.

~ Reading and journaling by the bay
~ Quietly soaking up the sun while listening to the lapping water
~ Long walks on the boardwalk with the two people I love the most
~ Cuddling with Bianca
~ Putting BiBi’s toes in the sand for the first time
~ Having beautiful long hair that flowed in the breeze
~ Harry insisting that Bianca not be shaded by her stroller so she could enjoy the sights
~ Feeling guilty over her first sunburn that resulted
~ Having no worries and no stress
~ Making sweet love with my husband while our baby slept
~ Totally relating to a wooden sign proclaiming, “When I’m weary, I go to the sea”
~ Taking healing naps in the middle of the day
~ Devouring Dumser’s Peanut Butter Fudge Ice Cream (my favorite!!)
~ Being recognized by the sandwich maker at Subway having eaten there every afternoon
~ Taking pictures of my gorgeous daughter and my handsome husband
~ Seeing BiBi in an adorable sunhat
~ Reaffirming that when I go the beach, I go home

Grainy sand between my toes; the smell of salt in the air; the music of waves crashing, seagulls calling, and children laughing; rainbow kites whipping in the breeze; bikes quickly whizzing by; muted colors of beige, brown, blue, white, and green; the perfect combination of warm sun and cool breeze; sharing it all with the loves of my life.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

#reverb10: Writing

December 2 Prompt: Writing
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

There are three main things I do each day that do not contribute to my writing (or my health): commute to work, watch TV, and work.

1) It usually takes me 45 minutes to an hour to get to work each day. If I didn’t have to spend that time fighting traffic five days a week, I would like to think I would spend that time doing something I love, one of which is writing. I could eliminate this necessary evil if I had a job working closer to home (or working from home!)

2) Even if I’m not “watching” it, the TV is always on. Nick Jr. for Bianca, ESPN for Harry, and Glee, Biggest Loser, and Desperate Housewives for me. This is one distraction that could definitely be eliminated.

3) I spend 8 to 9 hours each day at a desk doing work that doesn’t fulfill me in the least. And when I’m not working, I’m stressing about my to-do list or daydreaming about what my life would be like if I had a different career. I certainly don’t have the opportunity to write as part of my job – unless you count the times I sneak onto my blog. It would be lovely if I could have a job that allowed me to nurture and cultivate my writing.

This prompt reminds me of when Steph told me that I need to shed things that don’t feel like me or the person I want to be anymore. If 2011 is going to be the kind of year I hope it will, there will be lots of shedding taking place!

#reverb10: One Word

December 1 Prompt: One Word
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

My word for 2010 was supposed to be “action.” While I did take some baby steps in a few areas, I didn’t really get anywhere. I may have moved a few feet, but generally, I’m still in the same place in my life here in December that I was back in January. With that in mind, I think the word that encapsulates 2010 for me is “stuck.”

I wanted to take action to find a new church home, join a small group, become involved in a ministry there, and read the Word daily. Gratefully, I found a new church home - one that my husband seems to enjoy and has a wonderful children’s ministry. I haven’t quite become invested in CCC yet, though, and my Scripture reading has been sporadic at best.

I wanted to take action when it came to my health. I wanted to exercise regularly, make better food choices, lose weight, and feel more energetic. I ended up losing 4 pounds this year, but I think some of that was baby weight. I’m still not exercising. I still eat the same foods. I don’t drink enough water. I’m tired all the time.

I wanted to take action in order to be a better wife and mother. The biggest step I took in this area was promising myself that I wouldn’t bring work home. I haven’t always kept good on that promise, but in general, it’s helped out our family time. That being said, I had quite an eye-opener recently that shows me I still have a long way to go in this area.

I wanted to take action towards transitioning to a more fulfilling career. I started taking classes towards a massage therapy degree, but that quickly fizzled. I was offered another position in my department, but I turned it down. I have no regrets about that, though, because let’s face it – I’d still be in the same exact department, just with a different boss. In the meantime, I’m stressed, I’m unhappy, and I’m still in this job that does nothing but drain me.

Side story: Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. We had lunch together, as we work across the street from each other. By the time lunch rolled around, I was really cranky. I apologized to her for my bad mood. She said, “It’s ok. You’re always grumpy lately. I can tell you’re stressed and not happy.” I don’t know why, but her comment cut me pretty deeply. I had no idea that I have been so difficult to deal with lately. It just reminded me that I need a change.

Keeping all that in mind, my word for 2011 is “breakthrough!” Baby steps aren’t enough. I need a BREAKTHROUGH to see lasting change in my life. By December 2011, I won’t even recognize this shell of a person I am right now.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Answer

And just like that, my best friend and co-pilot has an answer for me!

"Because you havent always followed your heart when it comes to your job and now is the time for you to go after a job that follows your heart and your skills and i believe God will open the door for right opportunties but he needs you to walk through a door first. I think the massage was a glimpse of how he can make your dreams a reality earlier than you expect when you have made it a point to not only conceive perceive it but take action... he needs you to make a move so he can make a move."

If I haven't mentioned lately how much I love Stephanie, I really, really do. She stands up in prayer for me when I don't have the strength to do it on my own. She was willing to travel hundreds of miles to see me when I was at my lowest point. And she always knows the perfect thing to say when I need it the most. Everyone needs a Steph in their lives!!

Anywhere But Here

It's almost noon. I have been sitting at my desk since 8:00 this morning. I literally have done nothing. Not one thing. I feel like absolute crap. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I'm nauseous. I went to bed before 9:00 last night, and I overslept this morning. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel absolutely spent. And this is after a four-day stress-free weekend.

I know there are people out there who would love to have my job. I know I should be singing praises that I even HAVE a job in this tough economy. But I think my job is literally making me sick. Even one of my co-workers pointed out the other day, "You never feel good." And it's true. When I'm at work, I feel awful. And I often find myself wishing I was anywhere but here.

2010 was supposed to be my year of action. Granted - I did take some baby steps. But guess what? I didn't get anywhere. I'm still stuck in the same place I was when I started. It looks like taking baby steps got me nowhere. : (

I am so desperate to be in a career where I can love and serve others and help them to heal. I need to know I'm making a difference. I need to know that my 8+ hours a day at work aren't being wasted. When will the breakthrough happen? When will lasting change take place? When will I finally experience true fulfillment in my career because I am also living out my life's purpose?

I am intelligent, highly educated, and a hard worker. I have been "successful" at every job I've ever had. I am well-liked. Can somebody please explain to me why I have had such a terrible time in this area of my life?

I need a BREAKTHROUGH!!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

On My Own

My supervisor is officially on maternity leave today. She will be out until February 14th. That means that I am officially operating on my own. Secretly, I'm quite pleased. Now's the time to shine!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Brain Dead

I still have half an hour before I get off of work, but I have no steam left inside of me. I woke up this morning feeling a bit groggy with a little headache. Not much has improved. To make matters worse, my supervisor officially goes on maternity leave COB today. (Her c-section is scheduled for Wednesday morning) Anyway, she is busy making sure that everything will be taken care of in her absence....which means my to-do list is growing substantially. I have to be grateful, though. It will all turn out to be valuable experience in the end. Now I just have to prove that I can handle it all. I just wish I had a bit more energy.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Job

I was reading through my older blog posts this morning, and I realized that I never gave an update on my job. As you know, I was offered the VTEU position, and I originally accepted it. The last post I wrote on the subject had me waiting to hear back from H.R. about what my final salary would be. I never got a chance to hear.

Had I not been offered the job, the original expectation was that I was going to be Acting Program Manager of the Malaria Section starting in November, when my supervisor went out on maternity leave. She was going to be out for 12 weeks.

God had other plans. The same day I was going to break the news about my new job to my boss, my supervisor went out on emergency bed rest. (This was back in August) I was honest with my boss, telling him that I was conflicted. On one hand, I was presented with a great opportunity that I didn't want to pass up. On the other hand, I didn't want to abandon him and the Malaria Section during a difficult time.

He ended up giving me an offer to stay. He was aware that I would be making $48,000 as the new VTEU Coordinator. He offered to give me $45,000 starting immediately, and in 6 months, as long as I handled the duties of Acting Program Manager well, I would be promoted and make $50,000. I decided to stay, and I told our Department Administrator that I couldn't accept the Coordinator position.

The very next day, my boss said, "I offered you something we can't actually do. We can't promote you 6 months from now. It will have to be in September 2011." It was too late to do anything because I had already declined the other offer. Definitely a little disappointing.

But to summarize....I am still an Administrative Assistant in the Malaria Section. I am also Acting Program Manager, and will continue to be at least until January. One of my new friends in the CVD is helping me to update my resume. Right now, I am selling myself as an Administrative Assistant. I need to be selling myself more as a Manager. Otherwise, I won't be getting any requests for interviews for management positions.

Hopefully this post explains why I have said recently that I will begin job searching soon. Because I am still exactly where I've been for the past two years. Nothing has changed.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I'm Alive

To the three of you who actually read my blog, you will be happy to know that I am alive! Work has been a complete nightmare the past few weeks, but the madness has started to calm down, and I can breathe once again. I can also dust off my poor, silent blog. Hello again!

The biggest update since my last post: I withdrew from my Anatomy and Physiology class. I just didn't have the time or the energy to devote to it. Even if I had stayed with it, I most likely wouldn't have passed. I really needed to drop the class for my health and for the quality of my relationships with both my daughter and my husband. When I officially withdrew, I felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders, which is exactly what I needed. I really don't know what this means for massage. It could be that I never attempt to get into the program again. OR it could be that now isn't the right time, and I will try again when my life is a little bit more in order. I don't have the answers right now, and frankly, I don't need them.

The same is true for my job. I know I'm not meant to stay here forever. I know I'm destined for bigger and better things. I know I will find a career that not only helps feed my family, but that also feeds my soul. God has promised it, and it will come in His perfect timing. Right now, though, I just need to worry about updating my resume so that my strongest assets shine through. And once that's done, I can start a new job search. In the meantime, I will give my best self to my current job, knowing that it is a platform from which I can leap beyond my current circumstances.

As for the rest of my life, I think this excerpt from an email to my co-pilot sums it up pretty well:

I feel like I've been letting myself go lately, and I really need to get back on top of things. Nothing has changed in terms of the priorities. I just need to start taking ACTION.

1) God has to be the main priority. I need to set aside time each day to be with Him and to read his Word. I am attending a New Members Dinner at my church next Friday, so hopefully I will meet some nutritious people that will help cultivate this area. I also want to sign up for a small group. I don't know why I have been hesitating on this one. I think it's because I need to find one where I can bring Bianca. Especially with basketball starting, Harry will have an erratic schedule. I'm hoping to have a conversation with the Small Groups Pastor at dinner to try and find a solution. And even though I declared I was quitting MOPS, I only skipped one week. Yesterday we had to turn in our shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, so I went. I'm actually glad I did, though. Even though it's not as spiritually focused as I would like, I ended up having a really great time with our table. And I found out our Table Leader went to the Baltimore School of Massage. I didn't get a chance to talk to her much about it, but she could end up being a good person to know. We did have a conversation about feeling guilty as moms, though (me as a working mom and her as a stay-at-home mom). Two different perspectives, but feeling the exact same way. We ended up bonding and ended the night with a hug. I felt a part of the group for the first time! I think that I will continue going. If nothing else, I will have gotten to know a handful of Christian moms. And that is a blessing in itself.

2) I need to get healthier. I was doing great. I was right around the 160 lb mark, but as of this weekend, I was right back around 173. I have put on so much weight the past few weeks. I know it's because I have been stressed, I have been eating too much junk, and I haven't been active at all. I know in my head what I need to do here; I just have to DO it...which is the hard part! (Especially when I am tired. All. The. Time.)

3) I want to be a better wife and mother. I think I'm to the point where I am accepting that I won't have the opportunity to be a quantity wife and mom. So that means I need to focus on quality. I may only have two hours a weekday to spend with Bianca, but that doesn't mean I can't make those two hours wonderful for her. I have to stop focusing on what I don't have and start focusing on what I do. The same with Harry. We don't spend a lot of time together, but that doesn't mean that the time we do have together can't be amazing. I have to work on that!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mothering Personality

I have SO MUCH to say and update on, but it's a really hectic time at work right now. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, though, so I should be able to breathe (and write) again soon.

I took a personality quiz at MOPS three weeks ago, and I thought that the results fit me to a T. I am trying to clean off my desk, and the results are simply adding to clutter. I want to record them here before tossing them lovingly into the recycle bin.

The Know-Thyself Mother (INFJ)
Sensitive and family-focused, the INFJ mother encourages the unique potential of each child. Her aim is to help her kids develop a sense of identity, and she seeks a free exchange of feelings and thoughts to that end. In fact, she may value the mothering experience as a catalyst to her own personal growth. She is conscientious and intense, as well. Probably no one takes child-raising more seriously than the INFJ. She approaches it as a profession requiring her best self.
Stay-sane tip: Make time for yourself, try to live in the moment, and take life a little less seriously. Instead of trying to make life what it "should be," enjoy it for what it is.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

God's Voice?

For whatever reason, my career (or lack of one) has always been a sore subject for me. I have never truly had peace in this area. I can't even pray about it properly. Whenever I try to talk to God about it, my mind just wanders, or I get stuck. I want nothing more than to do God's will for my life. But when it comes to my job (and these days, school), I really have a difficult time hearing what He wants for me.

This morning, I was determined. I was going to pray about my job my entire drive to work. Of course I got distracted. But probably for a total of 20 minutes out of my hour commute, I was talking to God, and pretty much begging Him to speak in a way that I could clearly understand. I need to know what do about my job and about going to massage school.

When I got to the parking garage, a woman driving a purple Mini Cooper parked next to me. I see this car pretty much every day, and every day I admire it and wonder what it would be like to drive it. This morning I was able to say to the owner, "I just want you to know that you have the most adorable car!" Oddly, her reaction was nothing like I expected it to be.

She simply huffed and said, "I am thinking about going back to Toyota. This car is just too expensive for repairs and upkeep. It's not worth it. You should just admire them from afar. Don't buy one."

So yes, my latest dream car is a purple Mini convertible. And yes, I can literally apply her advice when it comes to car shopping. (It's not much of a family car anyway) But here's my question.... was that lady REALLY talking about her car? Or was God using her to speak clearly to me in a way that I can understand, just liked I begged Him to do? Was she really saying, "Massage school is just too expensive. It's not worth it. You will think about going back to your old career. You should just admire massage therapy from afar. Don't become one."

Am I reading too much into this interaction? All I know is that God can speak to us in many different ways. And I asked Him to speak clearly to me. Is it absurd to think that He actually did?

There aren't many Christians at work, so I can't really ask anyone about it. But I feel like I need validation. If this happened to you, what would you think? Coincidence? Or God's voice?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Convicted!

In response to my last post, God took me to my dear friend Deanna's blog. This is what she had to say:
Stop analyzing and let God be God!


"We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."
Proverbs 19:21 (MSG)


God's purpose will eventually prevail, but the question is how quickly?

How many times do we analyze our way out of a miracle? How often does our human striving delay the answer from God we've been looking for?

I'm a natural analyzer. I do it almost as naturally as breathing. And I'm trying to stop.

When a problem comes up my natural inclination is to think of several ways it could be solved. The problem with that is, many times God wants to do something that is totally outside the realm of anything I could conjure up. He wants to do something bigger, and more creative.

I hear God speaking to me to take my hands off (and my mind as well) and let Him do his thing.

I'm not talking stupidity here...if a glass of milk dropped on the floor and shatters, I'm not turning it over to God to figure out. Obviously I know how to solve that problem and there's no need to analyze it or pray about it. I'm talking about those things that are more serious complexities of life.

Why do we try (unsuccessfully over and over) to fit God in OUR realm of possibility?

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Ephesians 3:20-21 (MSG)

His purpose will always prevail but how many times do we delay it by trying unsuccessfully to solve it ourselves?

Re-evaluating...Again

Once again, I am questioning the direction that my life is headed. I have spent a lot of time on Dream University's website today. One common theme emerged: before you can pinpoint your dreams, you have to know what your purpose in life is. The first step in discovering your life's true purpose is paying attention to what your passions are.

I have decided to go on a Passion Quest this week to try to identify the things that excite me. The reason I am doing so is because I am once again questioning my decision to go through with the massage program.

Admittingly, Anatomy & Physiology is pretty difficult. I need to do well in the class before I can even get into the massage program. Am I doubting the program because I'm not sure I will pass the class?

Also, it's no secret that my biological clock is ticking quite loudly at the moment. Harry and I both want more children. I love having a sibling close in age, and I want to give my children that same gift. One of Harry's usual responses to me is, "You should finish the massage program first." If I do that, I won't be able to get pregnant until Fall 2012. I won't give birth until 2013. That means Bianca and her brother or sister will be 4 years apart. I don't want to wait that long. Is my longing for children overriding my desire to finish school?

Or is it simply that I am not meant to be a massage therapist? I love the idea of holistic health. I love the idea of working in a peaceful environment. I love the idea of working one-on-one with my clients. But what if massage is not the right outlet for me?

Steph and I had a similar conversation a few months ago. I was ready to pull out of the program back then. I later changed my mind, rationalizing that I had to go through with the experience because I had been dreaming about it for so long and it wouldn't be fair to myself to give up so soon. Sadly, it's months later and I am still in the same boat. Part of me wants to just give up now. The other part of me wants to go through with it. Ugh! I am such a complexity!!

Anyway, I'm hoping that my Passion Quest will give me some insights as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life!

I don't need to go on a Passion Quest, though, to know that these things excite me more than any other:

~ Love & Service
~ Self Improvement
~ People's stories
~ Writing
~ Music

Hmmm.....I just need help translating those things into a meaningful career....

Monday, September 20, 2010

Friends


"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose." ~ Tehyi Hsieh

Blessed

I am so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful best friend. On Friday, I received the following email. It not only made me cry, but it was like a calm breeze in the middle of the tornado that has been my life the past couple of weeks.

"...That must mean I should send you an email to tell you:
  • that you are an absolute treasure and I am so thankful to have you as one of my best friends.
  • that you are appreciated and celebrated for who you are and what you will become.
  • that you are wonderfully and fearfully made by God and that He will use you to do mighty works.
  • that you are just beginning to see your Ephesians 3:20 decade come into bloom. You have no idea what He has in store.
  • that both your writing and singing talent is truly a talent and gift from the Lord and you bless so many people with it. I can't wait for you to use it more.
  • that your spirit and love inspires me to be a better person.
  • that your love for your family and the home you created is and will be a haven for many because love - God - lives there.
  • that you are an amazing mother and child."

Everyone needs at least one Steph in their lives!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Empty

Today is September 3rd....Bianca's due date. I remember how anxious I was to meet her and to hold her in my arms. Even though it is so much better having her out than in, it reminds me that my womb is very much empty right now. And it makes me a bit sad.

I wish that Harry wasn't so financially conscious. I wish that Aunt Dot would be willing to watch another baby or that daycare wasn't so expensive. I wish that we weren't in so much debt that I have no choice but to work. Because even though my biological clock is tickly quite loudly, in our current circumstances, we can't even consider getting pregnant right now. And that thought honestly has me wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

On the Way to Work

While I was driving into work this morning, I saw a woman driving a red VW convertible Beetle with black spots and a black top. It also had a vanity license plate that said "Berbie." I couldn't help but smile and feel a slight pang of jealousy. Not because I have a desire to drive a Lady Bug, but because ultimately, I would love to drive a car once more that gets me giddy inside. I know that Beetle's owner must smile, have fun, and feel so comfortable when she looks at or gets into her car. I know it because that's the exact way I felt when I finally owned a purple VW Cabrio after dreaming for one for years. I loved that car so much. My accident was really devastating to me, mainly because I lost my car. I look forward to the day when I can drive a car I not only love, but also causes me to get warm and fuzzies inside!

I also heard "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller on the radio. I don't know why this song touches me so deeply, but it does. I am in instant prayer when I hear it. And I could play it over and over and never get tired of it. It put me in a great mood.

Finally, as I was waiting at a red light, a pack of about 10 students crossed the street. It reminded me that I am so lucky to be working on a college campus. It also reminded me that I don't get away from my desk enough to remember that fact. So I think starting in September, I will make sure to go over to the Student Center to eat lunch once a month. That way I can be more connected to the campus and find out if anything fun is happening. Last spring, they had a free steel drum concert that I would have loved to go to. Of course, I could only listen to it faintly from my office, as I always feel chained to my desk when my supervisor is around. I think that needs to change a bit.

I'm a hard worker, and that fact won't change. But I also think a change of scenery every once in a while isn't just nice, it's necessary. Maybe then I won't feel so stressed out about work. And I'll remember that all things considered, I work in a pretty awesome place!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

New Job

I won't go into all the details here, but I have decided to start a new job. It's not exactly official yet. While my two new bosses have identified me as the top candidate and have offered me a nice salary, it's all up to H.R. to make the final decision. Not only if I can be hired, but also what my salary will be. I trust that God has everything under control, though, so I'm not too worried about it.

I informed my supervisor of the offer, and while I thought she would come back with a counter offer to intice me to stay, all she said was, "Congratulations." She also told me that she thought I should take the position. Not only would it be a raise, it would also look better on my resume. There is no room for growth in the Malaria Section, but there is plenty of room to grow both in the CVD and the University at large. She said I would be silly to turn my back on such a great opportunity. She only asked that I help them transition.

I haven't broken the news to my boss yet, as he is traveling. He will be back in the office on Friday, though, so I have to get up my nerve before then. I think he will be disappointed. I'm just not quite sure what his reaction will be.

The good news is my new boss is a complete sweetheart. She already said that she feels guilty "stealing" me from Malaria. I know that she will allow me to assist my current boss as long as everyone deems appropriate. She also wants to sit down with my boss to make sure that everyone is on the same page and that no bridges have been burned. She is very much a Momma Hen!

I know that some people - especially my wonderful co-pilot - will question my decision. After all, in a previous post, I said that I wouldn't be taking the job if it was offered to me. But after I weighed all the pros and cons, it just seemed to make sense to make the move. What's more, I prayed about it for days, and when I walked into my Department Administrator's office this morning with the news, I felt a complete peace. I know I am exactly where I'm meant to be.

Perhaps it's because I won't be finished the massage program for another two years (and that's assuming I get into the program!), but I'm not feeling quite as urgent and unsettled about my career anymore. I'm actually feeling quite zen. And I'm wondering if Public Health somehow fits into my love of Holistic Health. Maybe there is a way to combine the two, and maybe I have been on the correct career path all along! I have to ponder that some more....

So, as long as H.R. approves, you are now looking at the new Vaccine Testing and Evaluation Unit Coordinator at University of Maryland's Center for Vaccine Development. Sounds a little better than administrative assistant, huh? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Sacred Friday: Happiness

Happiness is impossible to define. Let's take a look at Elizabeth Gilbert. She had a great house, a devoted spouse, interesting friends, a successful career...and yet she wasn't happy. I actually find myself in a similar situation. I don't know how "successful" you would consider my career, but I have a wonderful husband, a precious daughter, amazing friends, a supportive extended family, a nice house, a good education, dreams....and yet there are some days where I find myself simply miserable. I started therapy because in my head, it doesn't make sense. I have a life that many people dream of, and yet I'm not happy. Even though I know I have issues that need to be dealt with, I don't think they are the root cause of my depression.

I look back on my life and there was a time when I felt truly happy. It was 1999 - the year I gave my life to Jesus. I went to a Spirit-filled church that touched me so profoundly. I was a part of a cell group, I was active in Campus Crusades, I had real friends, I did fun things, I smiled and laughed a lot. Even my depression seemed to disappear. I was in a close and personal relationship with our Lord. I didn't need anything else; I had everything I needed.

My depression came back with a vengeance recently. I also have recently stopped going to church. I don't think it's a coincidence.

I started out this week writing a list of things that I thought translated into happiness:
~ Happiness is sitting on the floor with Bianca before breakfast and singing the “Good Morning” song to her.
~ Happiness is Harry giving me a tight good morning hug.
~ Happiness is walking into work and hearing Beastie Boys blaring in the background. (Perhaps because it was so unexpected, it made me laugh out loud!)
~ Happiness is drinking hot tea from an inspirational mug from my best friend.
~ Happiness is watching a chick flick in bed with Bianca in my arms.
~ Happiness is a blatantly answered prayer.
~ Happiness is eating a gooey piece of pizza after I have been craving it for days.
~ Happiness is spending the day on the beach with my family.
~ Happiness is getting an A in a class I truly loved.

I even went on the Happiness Project website looking for answers to what makes someone happy. I came to the conclusion that I needed to exercise. After all, people who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, and have delayed onset of dementia. They get relief from anxiety and mild depression. They perform better at work. My report to you was going to say something along the lines of "I have found the key to happiness: exercise. Obviously I'm not happy because I'm not exercising regularly."

But I realize that Happiness only comes when you are doing what you were created to do - and that is loving, serving, worshiping God. I haven't been doing any of the above, and happiness has eluded me.

The best part of that realization, though, is knowing that I can be happy again....and so much more....if I re-dedicate my life to Christ.

Let me tell you about the "blatantly answered prayer" I mentioned above. I have been so upset that I can't find my new church home. My prayers to God the past two weeks have been a simple, yet desperate one: Please, Lord, let someone invite me to go to church with them.

On Wednesday, my friend Karen sent me an email asking me if I would like to attend a barbeque this Saturday at her church. My heart literally leaped with joy. Karen has been asking me to go to church with her for months. Not consistently, just every now and then. And I always had an excuse of why I couldn't go. My latest excuse I am struggling with is "But it's in Dundalk; I wanted a church close to home." But I'm not going to worry about that now. I'm just going to go to the cookout with her. And we'll take it from there.

One thing I realized, though, is that every church I have ever visited or attended in my life that I absolutely loved was an Assembly of God church. That is the denomination that speaks to my heart and moves me, so I think that's where I belong.

I won't get to go to church this weekend. Harry and I are heading to Ocean City on Sunday morning. We want to have one day at the beach with my sister and Damian before they head back home. But next weekend, I have decided to go. I will either go to Eastern Assembly of God (Karen's church) or I will go to Middle River Assembly of God (5 minutes from my house). I don't care if Harry doesn't want to go with me. God is once again going to claim the number one spot in my life.

Consequently, I have off all next week. I will be spending quality time with Harry, Bianca, my Bible, my journal, and a book. I am also going to make exercising at least a little bit every day a priority.

I will get my life back on track and hopefully back in balance, and ultimately, I will find happiness. I just have to take it one day at a time!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Email to My Co-Pilot

Hello My Inspiring and Creative Friend,

I apologize for my bad attitude yesterday. Some days I feel like I'm getting better; others I just feel stuck in this dark and muddy place.

This morning I am at work alone. Both my boss and my supervisor are out of the office. I have completed as much of my task list as I can, so I have decided to turn my focus on more important things. Namely, me.

I found a 5-Step plan for "How to Get a Job You Love." I have just completed Step 1. I haven't even looked ahead, but already I'm excited. I can't wait to see where the steps lead. I just had to share Step 1 with you. Perhaps my rebirth begins today, as I feel passion floating through my veins.

Step 1 is to imagine yourself at age 80. You are talking to your grandchildren about your life and your career. Write down in as much detail as possible the story of your professional and personal life. Write it down as if you are looking back on your life.

I worked in an office that felt like home. It was bright and cheerful. There was a beautiful garden out back. When you first walked into the office, there was a reception area, where my clean desk sat. Beyond that was a couch and two comfy chairs that felt like a living room. I had a great library filled with inspirational and self-help books. There was a long work table that was filled with art supplies and magazines. Blank journals were abundant.

In this office I helped people to heal. I helped them realize how important their dreams were and how much the world would suffer if they weren't manifested. I used collages, writing, reading, and massage as tools to deliver my message. I met with women one-on-one and in small groups. We had many nurturing, inspirational, empowering conversations.

All areas of holistic health were addressed: mind, body, and spirit. I explained how nutrition and exercise feed all parts of ourselves. I showed them relaxation techniques they could incorporate into their lives. I recommended good therapists if they had deep-seeded issues that needed to be addressed.

I wrote books on Holistic Health and Christianity; how not to feel guilty being a working mom; how to support and help make your spouse's dreams come true; and my biography - explaining the darkness I once felt and the steps I took to overcome them.

I worked from 9 - 3 while our children were in school, allowing ample family time. We had two natural children, two adopted children, and more foster children than I can count.

Our house was always filled with love and joy. We loved the Lord, we loved our neighbors, we loved our children's friends, and our door was always open. There was always an abundance of tea and healthy snacks to share!

And I was deeply and passionately in love with your grandfather. He helped me become the person I always knew I was meant to be. He touched my soul and helped me heal like no one else could. He was my one true love. He supported my dreams and I supported his. My life was so much richer and fuller because he was in it.

We had some fun times. We visited all 50 states and used a map to mark our journey. We visited Italy, Germany, and Ireland on special anniversaries to see the land of our ancestors. We attended many, many sporting events, plays, and dance recitals. We bought a racehorse. And we bought a dream home on the water.

Granddad became a college basketball coach, and that allowed me to target my services to college-aged women. I taught several classes at the community college, including Sacred Collage. Granddad became a senator, and I was able to volunteer countless hours at the local orphanage.

When my time on Earth has come to an end, I hope you will remember me as loving, joyful, faith-filled, and always there for you.

Monday, August 9, 2010

My Favorite Things


Blah

I just spent the last hour trying to write a post that will never be published. I had so many thoughts, and yet I had trouble expressing them. I think it all boils down to one key point, though: I am stuck and I am longing to BREAK FREE!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Personal Constitution

In class, we had the assignment of creating our own personal constitution. It is a statement that reflects our values and should guide our actions. Here is mine:

I am a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit. I radiate peace, love, and joy. I am a successful wellness coach. I am financially secure. I make a difference.

Friday, July 23, 2010

It's Going to Be One of Those Days

So I made it all the way to work this morning when I realized Bianca was still in the back seat. So I went to call both my Aunt and my boss when I realized I left my cell phone at home. I hope this is not a sign of things to come!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Job Update

I think a couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I would be applying for a Coordinator position. As an update, I did apply, but I don't think it is worth it. Number 1, if you consider the money that HHMI is putting into my retirement account (not matching, but just giving me), I really make $44,000. Moving up to $48,000 is not that big of a jump, especially when I will be putting some of that money into retirement. Plus HHMI gives me benefit credits. If I don't use them all (which I never do), the extra money gets paid out in my check.

Moreover, the job is right around the corner from my current job. Literally right around the corner, in the same building. I think it would be a bit awkward seeing my boss and my supervisor every day if I changed jobs.

I'd be losing my tenure with HHMI and starting over as a state employee. I wouldn't be able to take time off for a while. And I am now at the point with my supervisor that I can leave every day at 4:30. In my new position, I may not always be able to leave, depending on what's going on.

I'm not sure what my chances are of getting the job, but in the end, I don't think the "Coordinator" title is worth it.

BUT...I also applied for another job on the UMB campus. It is for an Office Manager of the University Athletic Center. I got so excited when I saw the job. I know that if I got it, the experience I would gain would be extremely helpful when I finally open Circle's End. And I wouldn't have to see my current boss and supervisor every day. And "Manager" is definitely a huge step from "Assistant." Again, I don't know what my chances are of getting it, but I would really appreciate everyone's prayers and positive thoughts in this area!

Conversation with Carolyn

As I stated in my previous post, I had a wonderful time conversing with Carolyn over coffee on Sunday. In the midst of catching up, I told her all about massage school and Circle's End and the breakdown I had a few weeks ago.

I told her that my EAP got back to me with career counselor results, and that one guy happened to be the author of "What Color is Your Parachute?" and that if I was going to see anybody, perhaps it should be him.

She listened patiently, and then she said, "You don't need a career counselor. You already know what you want to do. You don't need to know what color your parachute is. You already know. What you really need to do is take control of your situation. Really visualize what Circle's End looks like. Write down the details of the environment, your commute to work, how you feel, what you smell, everything. Then start connecting with people in the wellness community. Take them out for coffee. People love talking about themselves and their experiences. Start a notebook with all your resources. I've gotten all of my jobs by people pulling for me. You never know how everything will connect in the end."

We spoke for over an hour, but that was the exchange that impacted me the most. I left the cafe feeling so energized and so on the right path. No matter what form it takes, I know I was created to be a holistic health practitioner. Of course, I already knew that. I just needed someone to affirm it. Now I just need to focus on the details!!

Great Weekend!

This past three-day weekend was the best one I've had in a long time. It wasn't even that exciting, but I got to nurture parts of me that were neglected, and that felt so, so good!

Saturday morning, we got up early. We were supposed to be meeting my mom at the Dundalk Parade. She ended up having a headache, so Harry, Bianca and I went by ourselves. We were only there to see Damian in the parade (otherwise we would have stayed home) but it was good for us to have an outing as a family.

Later that afternoon, I had a Pink Papaya party. I didn't make much money, but something is better than nothing. I realized, though, that my favorite parts of parties are actually closing them out. Entering the orders and submitting them to the Home Office gives me a thrill. In all honesty, I don't think I'm that great of a consultant. I even said to Harry that I almost feel done with it. He surprised me by saying, "But you haven't even really given it a real try yet." Which is true. I don't know why, but I wasn't expecting that encouragement from him. I thought he'd be happy knowing I had one less thing on my plate.

Saturday night, we watched Alice in Wonderland. I really enjoyed it.

Sunday morning, I got up early, as I was having coffee with my friend Carolyn. After I had my shower and got dressed, the most magical moment came to me. Harry brought Bianca into our room. While he was in the shower, I laid in bed with her. We had a good 20 minutes of sacred bonding. I was able to hold her, breathe with her, kiss her lightly on her head, and just love her. It made me realize that even though I don't have the quantity of time with her as I'd like, the time we do have can be so full of quality. I just have to make it a priority to be completely present with her when I am home.

I left to go meet Carolyn. The place we were originally going to meet had closed down, but luckily there was a small cafe on the corner only a few blocks away from our original destination. I can't even begin to explain how good this meeting was. As I mentioned in a previous post, I just love being around her because of the wonderful energy she emits. More than that, though, she gave me the advice and guidance I was desperate to hear. I think I will write about that in a separate post. I am just so, so glad she happened to be in Baltimore again exactly when I needed her.

Afterwards, I stopped by Walmart to buy Bianca some baby food. When I got home, my neighbor was outside. We chatted for a good half hour. It was nice, because they just moved in a few months ago, and we haven't really had time to get to know each other. We both decided that when things calm down, we should have a block party to get to know all our neighbors.

When Bianca was ready for her afternoon nap and Harry was engrossed in baseball, I went outside to enjoy our new deck. I took my journal and "Make Your Creative Dreams Real" by SARK, originally planning to write about Circle's End, but I didn't make much progress. Instead, I laid down our seat cushions in a line on the deck and took a quick nap in the sun. I also got to talk to Steph for a few minutes on the phone, which is always a nice treat. I went back inside as soon as Bianca woke up, and enjoyed a lazy afternoon and with her and Harry.

Then I packed her up and took her to my Grandma's house. We watched the fireworks being shot off in the Inner Harbor in the middle of Elliott Street. I took pictures, but I don't think BiBi was very interested in the fireworks. Honestly, she was so tired she had a hard time keeping her eyes open!

Yesterday was wonderful. We slept in. We took a walk as a family. We had crabs and cantaloupe for lunch. We had steak for dinner. I studied for my final exam. I never once thought about work or my lack of time with my family. I was present. I was happy. And everything just felt right with our little world.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday: June 30, 2010

Today Jamie asked the question: What do you wish for your well-being?

~ I wish for more healing rest
~ I wish to make better food choices
~ I wish to detox my body of toxins
~ I wish to surround myself with positive, inspirational people
~ I wish to be at peace with my career
~ I wish for more romance
~ I wish for more fun
~ I wish for more music
~ I wish for more laughter
~ I wish for regular massages
~ I wish for regular exercise
~ I wish for mental health days spent in the sun

Everything is Going to Be OK

For the handful of you who knew about my little emotional breakdown last week, you will be happy to know that I am feeling much better.

I was questioning my decision to go to massage school. But mostly that doubt came about when one of my co-workers told me that he didn't see me a massage therapist, and I took those words to heart. I started piling up all the reasons why I wouldn't be a good massage therapist and I started to believe it. In the end, though, (or perhaps this is still just the beginning!) I decided to stick with it. I've had this desire for many years. I think I would be cheating myself immensely if I just gave up before I even started. Most people die regretting something they didn't do, as opposed to the ones they did. I don't want to regret giving up on my dream, especially for no good reason except someone told me it wasn't for me.

I was also panicking over my career...or more appropriately...my lack of one. My "career" has been made up of a series of jobs that I'm not passionate about and that consistently leave me at the bottom of the totem pole. What other person do you know that has two Master's degrees and is just a secretary? Do I really think that little of myself? Am I afraid of success?

I love to recall the message Joel Osteen gave about this being an Ephesians 3:20 decade. He said that if we have patience and faith, God will increase us RIGHT WHERE WE ARE. Yesterday, our department administrator sent out a head's up for a new position that is being posted soon. It is for a Vaccine Testing Evaluation Unit Coordinator. Honestly, the position isn't much of a step up...there will still be plenty of administrative work to do...BUT it IS a step. "Coordinator" sounds so much better on a resume than "Assistant." And when I inquired about the starting salary, I found out it is $40 - $50K depending on experience and education. Because I have experience in the CVD, I have two Master's degrees, and I have some experience with budgets and financial reports, I think I would be closer to 50 than 40, which would be a great raise. Not huge, but much better than if I would stay put. I don't know what my chances are of getting the job, but I'm going to apply. Because any step is better than no step. And I believe that God will promote me right where I am.

When I was having my breakdown, I ended up contacting our EAP office. I asked to be set up with a career counselor or life coach. I really wanted someone to sit down with me and help me figure my life out. I got the results back yesterday. The majority of them are male. I was really hoping for a female. Anyway, I'm deciding whether or not I should make an appointment. Should I just keep on with the status quo because I'm feeling better? Or should I really talk this through and see where it leads me? Hmm...now that I write both options out, I think I like the latter one. At this point, what do I have to lose? I want to be more brave and more authentic.

I was also questioning my decision to get married and have children. I am deeply in love with my husband, but it turns out there was some unresolved tension from my past still locked in my heart. I dealt with it the best way I knew how, and with the help of some advice from Eat, Pray, Love, I think I finally let it go. I am happy with where I am. And if things were meant to be different, they would be.

Part of me is still aching to run away to the beach and live in a cute cottage by the water, but I've gotten more peace realizing it will come...eventually. It's just not time yet. Harry and I already talked about retiring on the water. It will happen. When it's time.