Wednesday, May 26, 2010

This Made Me Smile

One of my coworkers sent me the following message this week. Friends are wonderful, aren't they?

THE TRUMPET by Bill Burns -- May 24, 2010:
It's time for the desert warriors to go through the battle. It's time for the white warriors to arise. It's time for the mighty men of this season to come forth in the power of the Most High. It's time to run to the battle and defeat the enemy at the gate. No longer establish yourself in a position of defeat, but dream the dreams of victory. Run the race until it is fulfilled. Receive the armor that I will give you; rise up until you indeed become the lions of the Most High and understand who you are in Christ. You are more than a conqueror, and I will cause you to always triumph in the war that you are involved in. Choose to take the trail of victory that I have provided for you and do not stop on the way. Do not allow the enemy to deter you nor allow the voice of condemnation to affect you, but rather receive the enlightenment of that which I have spoken to you, says the Lord.

I love you Carey! Learn all you can where you are. God is getting ready to take you to higher heights!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Wishcasting

I'm not sure on which date, but Jamie asked the question: Large or small, financial or otherwise, what do you wish to invest in?

~ My children
~ My marriage
~ My health - physical, mental, and spiritual
~ Beauty
~ Circle's End
~ Massage School
~ A convertible
~ A BMW for Harry
~ A beach cottage

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hungry

I eat breakfast every morning. 99% of the time, I eat a bowl of cereal. This morning was no different. But for some reason, I am finding myself very hungry today. I am craving eggs with cheese, bacon, home fries, and a biscuit, all rinsed down with a nice cup of mocha. Mmmm. These are the days I wish I still worked at St. Joe's. Then I could walk to the cafeteria and indulge in that yummy breakfast. Oh well. Only two more hours until lunch.....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

On a side note...

I realized today how much I love the sound the keyboard makes when I type. I love the rhythm of the keys. I love the tapping. I love the way that even when my fingers make mistakes, my ears only hear a song.

Yes, I definitely prefer handwriting over typing. There is something so lovely and intimate and real about the handwritten word.

But there is something magical about the sound of typing that I can't quite explain!

Feeling Better

This morning when I woke up, something amazing happened: I felt good. I didn't have a headache. I didn't have a stomachache. I didn't feel tired. I felt refreshed and ready to start my day. I must have had a wonderful sleep. Now I just have to figure out how to keep having them!

I've had a pretty good day so far. My supervisor and my boss are both at an off-site meeting today, so I have more time for focusing on me. I watched a wonderful short video of Elizabeth Gilbert. In it, she said that we all want to live our best possible lives. We all want to aim high - and we should. But there will be times when we fall. There will be times when we disappoint ourselves. But all we can do is get back up, brush ourselves off, and keep going.

She also mentioned that she loves Martha Beck. Martha said that in all of her travels throughout her lifetime, she has come to know that there are four types of women:

1) Women who chose career over family and are conflicted about it.
2) Women who chose family over career and are conflicted about it.
3) Women who chose both family and career and are conflicted about it.
4) The Mystics. The Mystics are those who hear and heed a deep inner voice and follow it wherever it takes them. They are at peace on their journey.

Oh how I wish I could be a Mystic! I want to choose both my family and my holistic health career and give everything I possibly can to both. I want to follow my inner voice wherever it leads me and be at peace knowing that I took a leap of faith and I'm doing the best that I possibly can with the body and the circumstances I have been given.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Depression

This morning I woke up with a slight headache and a terrible stomachache. My belly has been hurting me since Thursday. My mom recommended I take a laxative to help ease the pain, but I'm glad I didn't have any in the house. While I was in the shower this morning, I felt like I needed to pass gas. Instead, my bowels emptied on the shower floor. It was totally disgusting and embarrassing. I contemplated calling out of work, but as I am in the office instead of in my bed right now, the idea didn't last long. My stomach is still upset, but I'm feeling slightly better than I did this morning.

HSA testing starts today, and since Harry is the testing coordinator for his school, he had to go in early. I dropped Bianca off at Aunt Dot's, and she asked me if I was ok. She said that I haven't been like myself lately. I wanted to cry right then and there, but my only response was "I haven't been feeling well lately. But I think it's more mental than anything." This came after my mom said to me yesterday, "I didn't realize how sad you are." And one of my co-workers asked me if I thought I was suffering from Postpartum Depression.

I thought about it seriously this morning, and I don't think I have PPD. Doesn't it usually show up pretty soon after giving birth? Bianca is 8 months old. I have only been feeling a bit down for the past few weeks. I don't think it would have come on me so late in the game.

But I do think I may be suffering from some sort of depression. I just feel very dark and empty. And sad. And tired. And sick. I want to feel better already!

Inspiring Quote

I was just on Twitter, and I saw an inspiring tweet from Ed Young: "Remember the cycle of success: change, conflict, growth. Don't bail out right before the breakthrough!"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Long, Depressing Update

I just wrote the following email to my co-pilot Steph. Even though I am still feeling pretty down, it's amazing how much better I feel just having everything off my chest.

I’m sorry I have been MIA lately. I have just been consumed with busyness. Work has been quite busy. One of my co-workers quit, and everybody has been feeling the effects. Plus, even though she hasn’t made the announcement to the office yet, my supervisor pulled me aside and let me know that she is pregnant. She is planning on taking 12 weeks of maternity leave. I will be covering for her while she is gone, so she has been doing a lot of cross-training with me.

I haven’t been going to church again. I don’t think we’ve gone since Easter. I’m dying. I am desperate for a spirit-filled church. Scratch that. I’m desperate for church period. Even though the Catholic church wasn’t spirit-filled and the messages weren’t great, at least I was hearing the Word every week. I NEED weekly worship and fellowship in my life. Nothing feels right without it. I am going to try a non-denominational church in White Marsh this week called Community Christian Church. I am going to go whether Harry accompanies me or not. I just desperately need to be fed.

My weekends have been crammed with activity. Pink Papaya parties, birthday parties, get-togethers with friends….all while having houseguests for two weekends in a row. Harry and I bought the rocks for the mini rock wall I want to build around my garden, but I haven’t had any time to work on it. Same with reading. Same with spending quiet time with Bianca and Harry. Same with having ANY me-time at all. This coming weekend is much the same. I honestly want to cry. I just want a day to rest.

I have also been doubting my decision to go to massage school at this point in my life. My life is running at full speed right now, and I’m feeling completely drained. I don’t know if I honestly have the energy to add anything else to it. Plus classes will mean even less time with Bianca, and that thought tears me up inside. I don’t see her enough as it is.

Harry has decided to give up coaching soccer. He wants to spend more time with Bianca, so he’s handing the program over to Adam. He also cut back on summer school. He is only working three days a week so that he can have two days a week with Bianca. I am so jealous that my heart literally hurts when I think about it.

I’m also questioning my ability to keep up with Pink Papaya. It takes up so much of my time and energy, and I’m not seeing any fruit from it. I just keep getting disappointed. I had hoped that I would be able to quit my day job and focus on my business, but financially, the possibility is looking quite impossible. I’m only averaging $35 a party, and two parties a month. $70 a month is a far cry from what we need to survive.

Although perhaps we could survive if we didn’t live so extravagantly. I’ve actually begun resenting my home. Why live in such a big, beautiful place? I’m never there to enjoy it anyway. I’d rather move into smaller quarters and stay home and raise my beautiful babies instead of living in a huge house and struggling in a job that only drains me.

I read a beautiful quote: “A mother who radiates self-love and acceptance vaccinates her daughter from low self-esteem.” I hate to think that I am not radiating at all. And I hate to think that Bianca hardly knows me at all. This is a typical day: we get up at 5:30, I spend 10 minutes changing her, and – if I’m lucky – another 10 minutes holding her before it’s time to leave for work. We get home. I feed her a bottle. Then she plays on the floor while I make dinner. Harry and I eat, we clean up, and by that time it’s usually after 7:00. I hold Bianca until 8:00 – when she usually goes to sleep. I am practically missing her entire day. I am missing her entire life. And I am so, so sad about it.

Harry and I want another child. But what’s the point of bringing another life into this world if you’re not even the one molding and influencing them?

Steph, I am honestly so depressed. Once again, I just feel stuck. I really thought that 2010 would be my year of action, but now I’m wondering if taking the action right now is wrong. I wouldn’t mind going to school and studying if I had the majority of my day to spend with Bianca. But thinking that I’m going from seeing her very little now to seeing her even less when school starts, I literally have a hard time catching my breath. I don’t know what to do. When I think of it that way, school doesn’t seem like an opportunity but a barrier.

I want to quit my job. I want to raise our daughter. I want to cook healthy meals for Harry. I want to clean our house. I want to garden. I want to sing and dance and play. I want to go for walks in the warm sun. I want to take naps or read in the middle of the day. I want to go to school in the evening, knowing that my family came first, and now it’s time to better myself. I don’t want to stay in an unfulfilling job where I never see my daughter and all I have time to cook is processed foods.

Whenever someone asked me in the past what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said “a wife and a mother.” I never had any career aspirations. And in a way, I still don’t. All I want to do is be a good wife and mother. That is what is going to make my life feel like it has meaning. As it is, I feel like the world’s worst wife and mother. I am just a shell of a person. I feel like I don’t have any life inside of me.

I’ve considered seeing a counselor, but again, I don’t want to add anything else to my life. I literally don’t have the time.

Harry gets upset with me when I tell him I don’t want to work anymore. He thinks it’s because I’m lazy. But I honestly think I would work harder at home than I do at work. I am passionate about my family. I hate my job. But we’ve come to depend on my salary. And I hate it. I know we shouldn’t dwell on shoulds – but I think we should have stayed in Harry’s house in Rosedale. It wasn’t as big as ours is now, but it was nice, and he could afford it on his own salary. Had we stayed there, I could have stayed home. But I had issues. I never saw it as his house. I saw it as his and Angel’s house. And I just wanted it out of our lives.

I absolutely adore our house. I do. It’s just that lately, it’s feeling like more of a burden and a prison than anything. Because of it, I can’t break free.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking despite all the hectic activity in my life, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be happy with ANY job. That’s why I’m not trying to find another one. I will not be happy working ANYWHERE while Bianca and our future children are little. When it’s time for them to go to school, that is when I am supposed to work. That is when I’m supposed to start my mid-life career as a holistic health practitioner. In the meantime, all I want to do is be a wife and a mother. I have this knowledge, and yet I can’t act upon it.

I feel stuck and I hate it. And it’s sad but true: I literally don’t feel that there is any spirit or joy in me. I catch glimpses of it here and there, but in general, I feel very sad and dark.

I wish I knew how to make money writing from home. Wouldn’t that be ideal? I love to write, and I can do the task from anywhere. That would leave me ample time to take care of the house and family. I just don’t even know where to start looking.

So that's what's been happening with me. It's not pretty, but that's just where I am.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Convicted

This morning, I woke up in a pretty bad mood. I was upset that it was already 5:30 a.m. After Bianca got up twice last night. After having an incredibly busy weekend with houseguests. After I messed up on entering a party order last night. After finding out that another one of my parties is now canceled. After not being able to read my book like I wanted to. After neither one of my Mother's Day presents that I ordered for my mom and Ms. Kathy arrived on time. After having a stomachache. After realizing that we have practically no food left in the house.

I grumbled on the way to work that I was tired. That my body is falling apart. That my job isn't feeding my soul, and I'd much rather be in bed. That traffic was bad. That I was running late. That my week was starting out on such an awful foot.

I didn't change the date on my desk calendar when I first arrived at work because I was grumbling about my neverending To-Do List. About my lack of free time. About the lack of Spirit and joy in my life.

A few minutes ago, I noticed my calendar still said May 7. So I flipped to May 10, and this is what my sticky note from God said..... "Do you think you could go an entire day without complaining? xo, G." Ouch.

I have so much good in my life. My godson even gave me a bag for Mother's Day that says "Too blessed to be stressed." Why, why, why do I constantly focus on what's wrong with my life? Especially when I know that if I made two lists, the "what's right with my life" would be way longer? I hate living in negativity, and I know nothing major is going to shift in my life until I change my attitude. I only wish I knew how to get there. Otherwise, I would already be living my authentic life of happiness and abundance. I need to get un-stuck!!!