Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday: March 24th

Today Jamie asked the question, "What do you wish to take a break from?"

I wish to take a break from negativity. I wish to take a break from my day job. I wish to take a break from this unhealthy, overweight body. I wish to take a break from neglecting my husband and my daughter. I wish to take a break from feeling like I am merely existing, not truly living.

Thoughts

I have so much "stuff" swarming around in my head right now.

1) Massage Therapy. I have wanted to become a massage therapist for so long. The thought of Circle's End came to me in 2002, but way before that, I toyed with the idea of massage. I even requested information from three different massage schools while I was still at Villa Julie. I remember one day at VJC during my junior year, I saw a girl in a massage therapy uniform, and I immediately felt a longing. My journals I kept at VJC talk of how I was in the wrong major, but I felt too much pressure to stay right where I was.

Fast forward to 2010 - my year of action. With the support of my husband and my two best friends, it was decided that I could apply to massage school THIS YEAR - much quicker than we originally anticipated. Praise God!

Of course, there has to be a catch. Before I can even apply for the program I have to complete (or be enrolled in) two prerequisites: MASS 101 and BIOL 109. I was planning to take both this summer. Unfortunately, the classes conflict. There is a hybrid Anatomy and Physiology class, where you take the class online, and attend lab in person one day a week. That would have been the perfect solution - except the lab is Fridays from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. - which conflicts with work.

I emailed the instructor of the hybrid class. I emailed the Case Manager of the Massage Therapy Program. And I emailed the Director of the program. I just wrote to the Director this morning, so I am still waiting on her response. I explained the situation and asked if there was any way around it. I also asked if a student could be accepted on a provisional basis if she hadn't yet taken the program prerequisites. I still have to wait for an answer, but sadly, it's looking like I may have to wait and apply for the program next year.

In good news, I registered for MASS 101. The class begins on June 7th. I know it's going to be difficult balancing everything, but I'm really looking forward to it. I will also be attending the program's Open House tomorrow night. Even if I am forced to wait until next year to apply, I still want to go and see what the program has to offer.

2) My "day job." I've never really felt completely comfortable here. And now that it is getting in the way of pursuing my dreams, I dislike it even more. I keep thinking...if only I didn't have this job, then I could attend school no problem. Sadly, we can't afford for me to quit. I make $40,000 a year. That isn't small change. And even if I am successful with Pink Papaya, I don't think I could reasonably make that much money each year. I would have no problem walking away from here today, but with a new house, a baby, and a husband who doesn't get paid during the summer, that action is simply not an option.

I have tried to be positive about my job. I have asked God to increase me right where I am. I have asked Him to be with me and help me be effective as I go throughout my day. I have tried to surround myself with His Word while at work. I have tried to remember that even though I don't understand why, I am here for a reason. But none of these things have helped me. I truly do want my attitude to change. I just don't know how else to try. I feel so deflated and trapped.

3) Pink Papaya. I am in LOVE with this business. Even though I've only been at it for less than a month. Even though I am still in the hole financially. I just finally feel good - amazingly good - about it. I can see myself being successful. I can see myself being promoted. I can see myself building a team. I can see myself achieving the title of Vice President. I believe with my whole heart that God is leading this venture, and I am just along for the ride!

Sadly, no one else in my life except my co-pilot Steph and my upline Cathy understands. I think everyone is being supportive the best way they can - but I don't think anyone truly believes I will succeed. Even Harry reminded me this morning that I still have a long way to go before I break even. It's hard when you believe in something so strongly and passionately, and yet, you receive mostly negative feedback in return. It hurts my feelings in a way.

4) Church. I am feeling all out of sorts, and I know it's because I haven't gone to church in three weeks. I am so desperate for a church home. We just have yet to find a place that will meet the needs of each one of us. I had high hopes for LifeBridge, but even though we had a positive experience, I'm not really all that interested in going back. It didn't really move my spirit at all. And Harry frustrates me. I want him to be the spiritual head of our family. I hate that he doesn't take much interest in finding a church and that all the decisions in this area seem to fall on me. I guess the sad truth of the matter is that we're not equally yoked. I guess I was hoping that would change once we found a church that moved us both. But it's been harder than expected to find a home.

6) My health. I have been majorly slacking where my working out is concerned. I thought that having Steph join the 30-Day Shred challenge would help to motivate me get out of bed. But it hasn't. The alarm goes off at 5:00, and I can't find the strength to get up. So I choose to sleep the extra 45 minutes. There is no way I can lose the weight I wanted to by my birthday. I'm just too inactive. I also haven't been making any true effort where my diet is concerned. We have so much processed food in the house that can't be good for us at all - yet we eat it every night because it is convenient, relatively quick, and tastes good. The Proverbs 31 Woman fed her family quality foods. If I want to be like her, I have a LONG way to go.

7) Bianca. I complain all day that I don't see enough of her and I don't spend any time with her. Yet when I get home, the first thing I want to do is get on the computer and take care of Pink Papaya. I'm not playing with her like I should. I'm not reading to her like I should. I'm not singing to her like I should. I'm not feeding her like I should. I just lay her down on the floor or the couch and sit next to her with my laptop. I feel like a horrible mother. I'm nothing like the Mother I imagined I would be. And I feel so disappointed in myself. I've stopped giving her negative energy, but now, I'm hardly giving her any energy at all. This has to stop.

8) Harry. I love my husband. I truly do. I don't know what I would do without him. But I feel so disconnected from him right now. He thinks it's because I spend too much time on Pink Papaya. I personally think it's because I want someone who "gets" me, and in a lot of ways, I don't think he does. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I know there have to be days when he is home alone watching sports that he wished he had a wife who would sit right next to him and cheer and talk statistics and not leave him alone so much. I hate myself for writing this, but I wonder if we made a mistake by getting married. They say that opposites attract, but what happens when you're just TOO opposite?

So in the perfect world, here's how everything would play out:
1. I make $40,000+ a year with Pink Papaya.
2. I am able to quit my day job.
3. My schedule has flexibility so that I can attend school every semester and graduate in 2 years.
4. I am able to stay at home with Bianca, only dropping her off at Aunt Dot's when I go to class.
5. I become a vegetarian.
6. My skin looks great and I have a lot more energy.
7. I have so much energy that getting up in the morning to exercise is no issue at all.
8. I am at a healthy weight and I feel great physically and mentally.
9. We have a church home.
10. We pray together as a family and as a couple each night.
11. I read my Bible daily.
12. I make an effort to watch and be enthusiastic about sports.
13. We have a regular date night.
14. We feel closer than ever.

But this isn't a perfect world, and I just have to wait and see how everything will turn out.

I Can't Wait to See This Movie!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Abundant Life With Exercise

Last week, I read a really inspiring article on exercise by Branda Polk. In it she said that "Exercise is a way that God allows our bodies to stay strong and have the opportunity to live the abundant life Christ promises. When we follow God’s way of living we are blessed in all aspects of our lives." She also said to "Consider your exercise an act of worship, as you care for the body God gave you."

I have been doing better with exercise, but I'm still not at the point where my body craves it. I'd still much rather sleep the extra 30 minutes than get busy with Jillian. But what a beautiful thought: exercise can be a form of worship. I think if I keep this reminder in my head, I will be more willing to move, and put in more effort while I do it.

As I've mentioned before, I haven't noticed any big changes where my body is concerned. However, I was pleasantly surprised on Saturday when I got on the scale and saw that I have lost 4 pounds! I might not notice it, but SOMETHING must be happening as a result of The Shred!

Those 4 pounds have inspired me to set a new goal: to reach the 150's by my birthday. I'm currently at 169. If I am diligent about my workouts, drink plenty of water, and try to cut out empty calories (like my afternoon Mocha), I think losing 10 pounds is a reasonable goal to achieve in 6 weeks.

Friday, March 12, 2010

St. Theresa Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

34 Things

In 2008, I made a list of 34 Things that I want to accomplish in this lifetime. I am excited re-reading it now. I can honestly say that I still want these things. (Except for buying a house...we already did that one!)

Be more positive
Always look for the silver lining in the clouds
Be more grateful
Get a Bella body lift
Wear a bikini and know I look good
Be the ideal wife and mother
Learn how to cook delicious, nutritious foods
Travel to Africa
Have a stylish, comfortable, quality-material wardrobe
Find amazing, inspiring artwork for our home
Buy a large, spacious, open, bright house
Decorate with classic style and comfort in mind
Be present and take pride in my job
Incorporate yoga and meditation in my life
Go to a church or temple that feeds my soul
Get out of debt
Live a greener lifestyle
See and celebrate my loved ones’ dreams come true
Get to the point where I crave exercise
Be a holistic health practitioner (whatever form it takes)
Own a home in Ocean City
Read more
Listen to more world music
Spend ample time in nature
Capture more of my experience in words and pictures
Be present in the moment
Be Happy For No Reason
Never stop playing, exploring, laughing
Have regular Girls’ Days
Keep communicating openly and honestly with Harry
Sleep soundly and wake up feeling refreshed on a regular basis

Another Goodie from 2008....Not Much Has Changed!

What are my top 10 values in life?
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Holistic health
4. Growing deeper in my relationship with God
5. Sleep
6. Education
7. Music
8. Comfort
9. Simple Elegance
10. Honesty

When I envision my life in 10 years, what do I see?
Married, three children, foster mom, involved in the PTA and youth athletics, close relationship with a handful of bright, beautiful women. Massage therapist. Living in our dream home. Surrounded by beautiful music, books, art, blankets, furniture. Physically active. Happy. Planning a 10-year anniversary trip abroad.

What do I want most from life?
To be “happy for no reason” and to spread love wherever I go.

Whose company do I enjoy?
Harry’s, friends, family

What makes me laugh?
Obscure things….cute jokes, Damian being silly, cute kids, puppies, Harry

How do I spend my money?
Books, magazines, journals, music, vacations, food

Which people do I admire most?
Those who are passionate about causes. People with strong opinions bold enough to speak their minds. People who do good for the world without expecting anything in return.

What is my purpose?
To be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a woman who loves everyone and gives freely of herself to anyone who needs her.

Found an Old Treasure

In the spirit of spring cleaning, I am attempting to clean out my personal email in-box. As I've often heard, clearing out space allows something even better to come into your life. I probably shouldn't be focusing on this task at work, but it's a rainy Friday afternoon, and I'm mentally already into the weekend.

Here is an exercise I completed in 2008 that I emailed to myself with the intention of transcribing it into my journal. It never quite made it there!

1. What values/principles are most important to you?
Family, friends, balance, honesty, spirituality, compassion, charity

2. What things in life excite you and provide the most fulfillment?
The thought of a family and a healthy, loving marriage. Delving deeper inside of myself. Listening to inspirational music. Reading inspirational books. Spending time with people one-on-one or in small groups. Feeling close to God. Driving with my top down on a warm day. The thought of being happy. Hearing other people’s stories. Being comfortable. Being well-rested. Eating delicious food.

3. What things in the world concern you most?
The number of people who are suffering. The number of unloved children. The violence. The disrespect. The lack of faith. Smart people who seem to make stupid decisions over and over.

4. How can you use what provides you the most excitement/fulfillment to impact what concerns you the most?
I think spiritual coaching or psychology might be a good career for me. I like being one on one with people. I like expressing my faith. I like hearing people’s stories. I can use music, art, books, and comfy furniture to influence.

5. Legacy: What do you want to leave for others after you are gone? What impact do you hope people will say you made in their life? Be specific.
I want to make a true difference in someone’s life. I want to love and help as many people as possible while I’m here. Specifically, I want them to feel better about themselves and brave enough to follow their dreams by knowing that they are good enough just as they are and that someone cares deeply about them. I want people to remember me as the most giving, loving, passionate, happy person they know.

Wishcasting Wednesday: March 10th

This week Jamie asked the question, "What do you wish to say no to?"

I wish to say no to fattening foods. I wish to say no to excess sugar. I wish to say no to being lazy. I wish to say no to watching too much TV. I wish to say no to poisonous friends. I wish to say no to my headaches. I wish to say no to energy that solely drains me.

Wishcasting Wednesday: March 3rd

Jamie asked the question, "What do you wish to make time for?"

I wish to make time for my Pink Papaya business. I wish to make time for more inspirational reading. I wish to make time for a Life Group. I wish to make time for more exercise. I wish to make time for more love and laughter with my husband. I wish to make time for precious memories with my daughter. I wish to make time for deeper conversations with my girlfriends. I wish to make time for studying and going to class. I wish to make time for journaling and blogging. I wish to make time for creating Balance and Harmony in my life.

Sacred Friday: Magnificence

Magnificence really came into play for me last week. As usual, I started out with looking up the definition:

Magnificence

1 : the quality or state of being magnificent
2 : splendor of surroundings

Magnificent

1 : great in deed or exalted in place —used only of former famous rulers
2 : marked by stately grandeur and lavishness
3 : sumptuous in structure and adornment; broadly : strikingly beautiful or impressive
4 : impressive to the mind or spirit : sublime
5 : exceptionally fine

"The quality or state of being Magnificent." That is exactly how I felt last week. All at once, it seems like my life is finally falling into place. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, and as he starts to embrace his role as the spiritual leader of our family, I know it will only get better. I have been enjoying my moments with Bianca more than ever. I admit that before when I held her at night, I would focus on the negative. I would feel so depressed that I couldn’t be with her during the day. I was giving my daughter, the most precious and innocent being, all of my negative energy. I don’t want her growing up depressed like me. So I’ve been focusing on the moments that I DO have with her, and I want to make them as tender, loving, and positive as I can. She deserves nothing but good energy.

Pink Papaya feels ordained by God. I love the energy that is surrounding it. It is feeding me in ways I never expected already…and we haven’t even begun! Massage School is closer now than ever before. I’m literally only a few years away from my license. This dream that used to seem so distant, just a possibility in the future, is solidifying right in front of me. I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about it! All this positive energy has really had an effect on my “day job,” as well. My boss told me the other day that he really appreciates me. My supervisor also told me that she is really pleased with my work. She said, “You just don’t know… You don’t know what I had to deal with before.” I felt like a shining star. The anxiety I was feeling about my job has almost completely disappeared.

Getting up at 5:00 AM is really difficult for me, so I haven’t been doing it every day like I should. But on the days when I find the strength and energy to get up, I have been doing great on the Shred. It’s definitely tough, but I get better every day. I’m not seeing huge physical results, but I feel better in general. I know it’s still a long way off, but one day, I am going to feel completely comfortable and free in my skin.

Planning for Girls’ Day had me absolutely giddy! I can’t wait to honor our sacred friendship. We will be in a beautiful “splendor of surroundings,” indulging in simple pleasures, and enjoying the spirit and laughter of us as a terrific trio. If champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries doesn’t say magnificence, I don’t know what does!

Finally, but definitely not least, I am growing deeper in my relationship with God. I know this will only get better once we find a church home and I become part of a Life Group. The message that God has been trying to send to me last week into this week is "Sing." I used to be so passionate about singing. It was a huge part of who I was. "I am Carey. I am a singer." For whatever reason, even while alone in my car, I haven't really sung lately. God wants me to get back in touch with that incredible gift He has given me. He wants me to worship with passion. And using His gifts is a form of worship. He wants me to be magnificent in that area of my life again.

So, in short....I simply felt like a Magnificent peacock all week long!! God is SO GOOD. All the time.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tickled Pink!

I haven’t been blogging (or journaling for that matter) in such a long time. I am always searching for that ever-elusive Balance, yet never seem to grasp her. But I know in my soul that I WILL be able to get there one day. And I’m going to help others get there, as well.

Lately, my mind has been preoccupied with my Pink Papaya Venture. It may seem quite ironic to some that I am choosing to devote even more time to work when all I have ever done is complain about work. But let me assure you that this is different. This is how I know God placed this opportunity in my life as a jumping off point for my life’s work. I’m truly, passionately excited about it!

I can’t wait to start having parties and sharing the products. I don’t have the money to get in yet, but I think it would be so much fun to do quarter auctions. I would love to be a vendor at Girls’ Night Out. I would love to attend wellness expos and set up a table. I’ve already written down ways to make my company better as soon as I get a little more money. I can honestly see myself devoting ample time to the business and not being worn out by it. There is already an energy surrounding the business that feeds my soul…and I haven’t even sold anything yet!

OK…I do admit that I get a tiny bit disheartened when I check my website every day only to find no new sales. But I’m not worried about it. I feel God’s hands all over this opportunity, and I know he will help me prosper. I took a step in faith when I signed up to be a consultant. And it is that same faith that is keeping me optimistic now. I just have to be patient until God is ready to move. And He’s going to move in a BIG way!!

My co-pilot is probably going to yell at me for this, but I am even considering starting a Pink Papaya blog. I think it would be really helpful for new consultants just starting out. I was looking for a place where I could get advice in cyberland, and I couldn’t quite find what I was after. Perhaps this new blog would help fill in the blanks a little bit. I just have to make time for it. If only I didn’t have this “day job.” More and more I get confirmation that being an administrative assistant is definitely the wrong job for me. Especially because Pink Papaya feels so right.

I am supposed to be my own boss. I am supposed to help others live authentic lives. I am supposed to help promote “inner balance and outer beauty.” I am supposed to show people love in a truly hands-on way and to help them feel good about themselves with products they can be proud of wearing. Pink Papaya definitely fits into the big picture, and I’m so glad I said yes when most people around me thought I should say no.

Right now I am Tickled Pink (Papaya, that is)!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Today I Am Proud As A Peacock!

It's been a while since I've blogged about my physical health. I'll be honest and say that I hit a rough patch when it came to exercise. While I had good intentions to excercise, I never acted upon them. You could say that during the big snowstorm, I definitely developed a case of Blizzard Body. I'm pretty sure the scale went up a few pounds there.

One day as I was walking down the hallway at work, I just felt heavy. I'm not talking about feeling fat. Literally, my body just felt heavy. I wasn't walking with ease. My feet and knees were hurting. I could feel the flab on my arms, on my tummy, and on my chin moving. I didn't like the way I felt. at. all.

That was the day I vowed to myself that I would make a change.

So I came home, made myself an exercise chart, and started off on another round of the 30-Day Shred. I planned to complete 10 days at Level 1, 10 days at Level 2, and the final 10 days at Level 3.

This morning, I finished my 10 days of Level 1! I am so proud of myself. Ok...I confess....I didn't complete the workouts in 10 consecutive days; I missed a day. But you have to admit that 10 workouts in 11 days isn't bad at all. Especially considering I was starting from scratch.

I haven't seen much change in my body yet, but I'm only 1/3 of the way through. I'm sure at the end of this venture, I will see a difference.