Monday, November 29, 2010

The Answer

And just like that, my best friend and co-pilot has an answer for me!

"Because you havent always followed your heart when it comes to your job and now is the time for you to go after a job that follows your heart and your skills and i believe God will open the door for right opportunties but he needs you to walk through a door first. I think the massage was a glimpse of how he can make your dreams a reality earlier than you expect when you have made it a point to not only conceive perceive it but take action... he needs you to make a move so he can make a move."

If I haven't mentioned lately how much I love Stephanie, I really, really do. She stands up in prayer for me when I don't have the strength to do it on my own. She was willing to travel hundreds of miles to see me when I was at my lowest point. And she always knows the perfect thing to say when I need it the most. Everyone needs a Steph in their lives!!

Anywhere But Here

It's almost noon. I have been sitting at my desk since 8:00 this morning. I literally have done nothing. Not one thing. I feel like absolute crap. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I'm nauseous. I went to bed before 9:00 last night, and I overslept this morning. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel absolutely spent. And this is after a four-day stress-free weekend.

I know there are people out there who would love to have my job. I know I should be singing praises that I even HAVE a job in this tough economy. But I think my job is literally making me sick. Even one of my co-workers pointed out the other day, "You never feel good." And it's true. When I'm at work, I feel awful. And I often find myself wishing I was anywhere but here.

2010 was supposed to be my year of action. Granted - I did take some baby steps. But guess what? I didn't get anywhere. I'm still stuck in the same place I was when I started. It looks like taking baby steps got me nowhere. : (

I am so desperate to be in a career where I can love and serve others and help them to heal. I need to know I'm making a difference. I need to know that my 8+ hours a day at work aren't being wasted. When will the breakthrough happen? When will lasting change take place? When will I finally experience true fulfillment in my career because I am also living out my life's purpose?

I am intelligent, highly educated, and a hard worker. I have been "successful" at every job I've ever had. I am well-liked. Can somebody please explain to me why I have had such a terrible time in this area of my life?


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

On My Own

My supervisor is officially on maternity leave today. She will be out until February 14th. That means that I am officially operating on my own. Secretly, I'm quite pleased. Now's the time to shine!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Brain Dead

I still have half an hour before I get off of work, but I have no steam left inside of me. I woke up this morning feeling a bit groggy with a little headache. Not much has improved. To make matters worse, my supervisor officially goes on maternity leave COB today. (Her c-section is scheduled for Wednesday morning) Anyway, she is busy making sure that everything will be taken care of in her absence....which means my to-do list is growing substantially. I have to be grateful, though. It will all turn out to be valuable experience in the end. Now I just have to prove that I can handle it all. I just wish I had a bit more energy.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Job

I was reading through my older blog posts this morning, and I realized that I never gave an update on my job. As you know, I was offered the VTEU position, and I originally accepted it. The last post I wrote on the subject had me waiting to hear back from H.R. about what my final salary would be. I never got a chance to hear.

Had I not been offered the job, the original expectation was that I was going to be Acting Program Manager of the Malaria Section starting in November, when my supervisor went out on maternity leave. She was going to be out for 12 weeks.

God had other plans. The same day I was going to break the news about my new job to my boss, my supervisor went out on emergency bed rest. (This was back in August) I was honest with my boss, telling him that I was conflicted. On one hand, I was presented with a great opportunity that I didn't want to pass up. On the other hand, I didn't want to abandon him and the Malaria Section during a difficult time.

He ended up giving me an offer to stay. He was aware that I would be making $48,000 as the new VTEU Coordinator. He offered to give me $45,000 starting immediately, and in 6 months, as long as I handled the duties of Acting Program Manager well, I would be promoted and make $50,000. I decided to stay, and I told our Department Administrator that I couldn't accept the Coordinator position.

The very next day, my boss said, "I offered you something we can't actually do. We can't promote you 6 months from now. It will have to be in September 2011." It was too late to do anything because I had already declined the other offer. Definitely a little disappointing.

But to summarize....I am still an Administrative Assistant in the Malaria Section. I am also Acting Program Manager, and will continue to be at least until January. One of my new friends in the CVD is helping me to update my resume. Right now, I am selling myself as an Administrative Assistant. I need to be selling myself more as a Manager. Otherwise, I won't be getting any requests for interviews for management positions.

Hopefully this post explains why I have said recently that I will begin job searching soon. Because I am still exactly where I've been for the past two years. Nothing has changed.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I'm Alive

To the three of you who actually read my blog, you will be happy to know that I am alive! Work has been a complete nightmare the past few weeks, but the madness has started to calm down, and I can breathe once again. I can also dust off my poor, silent blog. Hello again!

The biggest update since my last post: I withdrew from my Anatomy and Physiology class. I just didn't have the time or the energy to devote to it. Even if I had stayed with it, I most likely wouldn't have passed. I really needed to drop the class for my health and for the quality of my relationships with both my daughter and my husband. When I officially withdrew, I felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders, which is exactly what I needed. I really don't know what this means for massage. It could be that I never attempt to get into the program again. OR it could be that now isn't the right time, and I will try again when my life is a little bit more in order. I don't have the answers right now, and frankly, I don't need them.

The same is true for my job. I know I'm not meant to stay here forever. I know I'm destined for bigger and better things. I know I will find a career that not only helps feed my family, but that also feeds my soul. God has promised it, and it will come in His perfect timing. Right now, though, I just need to worry about updating my resume so that my strongest assets shine through. And once that's done, I can start a new job search. In the meantime, I will give my best self to my current job, knowing that it is a platform from which I can leap beyond my current circumstances.

As for the rest of my life, I think this excerpt from an email to my co-pilot sums it up pretty well:

I feel like I've been letting myself go lately, and I really need to get back on top of things. Nothing has changed in terms of the priorities. I just need to start taking ACTION.

1) God has to be the main priority. I need to set aside time each day to be with Him and to read his Word. I am attending a New Members Dinner at my church next Friday, so hopefully I will meet some nutritious people that will help cultivate this area. I also want to sign up for a small group. I don't know why I have been hesitating on this one. I think it's because I need to find one where I can bring Bianca. Especially with basketball starting, Harry will have an erratic schedule. I'm hoping to have a conversation with the Small Groups Pastor at dinner to try and find a solution. And even though I declared I was quitting MOPS, I only skipped one week. Yesterday we had to turn in our shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, so I went. I'm actually glad I did, though. Even though it's not as spiritually focused as I would like, I ended up having a really great time with our table. And I found out our Table Leader went to the Baltimore School of Massage. I didn't get a chance to talk to her much about it, but she could end up being a good person to know. We did have a conversation about feeling guilty as moms, though (me as a working mom and her as a stay-at-home mom). Two different perspectives, but feeling the exact same way. We ended up bonding and ended the night with a hug. I felt a part of the group for the first time! I think that I will continue going. If nothing else, I will have gotten to know a handful of Christian moms. And that is a blessing in itself.

2) I need to get healthier. I was doing great. I was right around the 160 lb mark, but as of this weekend, I was right back around 173. I have put on so much weight the past few weeks. I know it's because I have been stressed, I have been eating too much junk, and I haven't been active at all. I know in my head what I need to do here; I just have to DO it...which is the hard part! (Especially when I am tired. All. The. Time.)

3) I want to be a better wife and mother. I think I'm to the point where I am accepting that I won't have the opportunity to be a quantity wife and mom. So that means I need to focus on quality. I may only have two hours a weekday to spend with Bianca, but that doesn't mean I can't make those two hours wonderful for her. I have to stop focusing on what I don't have and start focusing on what I do. The same with Harry. We don't spend a lot of time together, but that doesn't mean that the time we do have together can't be amazing. I have to work on that!