Tuesday, September 28, 2010

God's Voice?

For whatever reason, my career (or lack of one) has always been a sore subject for me. I have never truly had peace in this area. I can't even pray about it properly. Whenever I try to talk to God about it, my mind just wanders, or I get stuck. I want nothing more than to do God's will for my life. But when it comes to my job (and these days, school), I really have a difficult time hearing what He wants for me.

This morning, I was determined. I was going to pray about my job my entire drive to work. Of course I got distracted. But probably for a total of 20 minutes out of my hour commute, I was talking to God, and pretty much begging Him to speak in a way that I could clearly understand. I need to know what do about my job and about going to massage school.

When I got to the parking garage, a woman driving a purple Mini Cooper parked next to me. I see this car pretty much every day, and every day I admire it and wonder what it would be like to drive it. This morning I was able to say to the owner, "I just want you to know that you have the most adorable car!" Oddly, her reaction was nothing like I expected it to be.

She simply huffed and said, "I am thinking about going back to Toyota. This car is just too expensive for repairs and upkeep. It's not worth it. You should just admire them from afar. Don't buy one."

So yes, my latest dream car is a purple Mini convertible. And yes, I can literally apply her advice when it comes to car shopping. (It's not much of a family car anyway) But here's my question.... was that lady REALLY talking about her car? Or was God using her to speak clearly to me in a way that I can understand, just liked I begged Him to do? Was she really saying, "Massage school is just too expensive. It's not worth it. You will think about going back to your old career. You should just admire massage therapy from afar. Don't become one."

Am I reading too much into this interaction? All I know is that God can speak to us in many different ways. And I asked Him to speak clearly to me. Is it absurd to think that He actually did?

There aren't many Christians at work, so I can't really ask anyone about it. But I feel like I need validation. If this happened to you, what would you think? Coincidence? Or God's voice?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Convicted!

In response to my last post, God took me to my dear friend Deanna's blog. This is what she had to say:
Stop analyzing and let God be God!


"We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."
Proverbs 19:21 (MSG)


God's purpose will eventually prevail, but the question is how quickly?

How many times do we analyze our way out of a miracle? How often does our human striving delay the answer from God we've been looking for?

I'm a natural analyzer. I do it almost as naturally as breathing. And I'm trying to stop.

When a problem comes up my natural inclination is to think of several ways it could be solved. The problem with that is, many times God wants to do something that is totally outside the realm of anything I could conjure up. He wants to do something bigger, and more creative.

I hear God speaking to me to take my hands off (and my mind as well) and let Him do his thing.

I'm not talking stupidity here...if a glass of milk dropped on the floor and shatters, I'm not turning it over to God to figure out. Obviously I know how to solve that problem and there's no need to analyze it or pray about it. I'm talking about those things that are more serious complexities of life.

Why do we try (unsuccessfully over and over) to fit God in OUR realm of possibility?

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Ephesians 3:20-21 (MSG)

His purpose will always prevail but how many times do we delay it by trying unsuccessfully to solve it ourselves?

Re-evaluating...Again

Once again, I am questioning the direction that my life is headed. I have spent a lot of time on Dream University's website today. One common theme emerged: before you can pinpoint your dreams, you have to know what your purpose in life is. The first step in discovering your life's true purpose is paying attention to what your passions are.

I have decided to go on a Passion Quest this week to try to identify the things that excite me. The reason I am doing so is because I am once again questioning my decision to go through with the massage program.

Admittingly, Anatomy & Physiology is pretty difficult. I need to do well in the class before I can even get into the massage program. Am I doubting the program because I'm not sure I will pass the class?

Also, it's no secret that my biological clock is ticking quite loudly at the moment. Harry and I both want more children. I love having a sibling close in age, and I want to give my children that same gift. One of Harry's usual responses to me is, "You should finish the massage program first." If I do that, I won't be able to get pregnant until Fall 2012. I won't give birth until 2013. That means Bianca and her brother or sister will be 4 years apart. I don't want to wait that long. Is my longing for children overriding my desire to finish school?

Or is it simply that I am not meant to be a massage therapist? I love the idea of holistic health. I love the idea of working in a peaceful environment. I love the idea of working one-on-one with my clients. But what if massage is not the right outlet for me?

Steph and I had a similar conversation a few months ago. I was ready to pull out of the program back then. I later changed my mind, rationalizing that I had to go through with the experience because I had been dreaming about it for so long and it wouldn't be fair to myself to give up so soon. Sadly, it's months later and I am still in the same boat. Part of me wants to just give up now. The other part of me wants to go through with it. Ugh! I am such a complexity!!

Anyway, I'm hoping that my Passion Quest will give me some insights as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life!

I don't need to go on a Passion Quest, though, to know that these things excite me more than any other:

~ Love & Service
~ Self Improvement
~ People's stories
~ Writing
~ Music

Hmmm.....I just need help translating those things into a meaningful career....

Monday, September 20, 2010

Friends


"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose." ~ Tehyi Hsieh

Blessed

I am so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful best friend. On Friday, I received the following email. It not only made me cry, but it was like a calm breeze in the middle of the tornado that has been my life the past couple of weeks.

"...That must mean I should send you an email to tell you:
  • that you are an absolute treasure and I am so thankful to have you as one of my best friends.
  • that you are appreciated and celebrated for who you are and what you will become.
  • that you are wonderfully and fearfully made by God and that He will use you to do mighty works.
  • that you are just beginning to see your Ephesians 3:20 decade come into bloom. You have no idea what He has in store.
  • that both your writing and singing talent is truly a talent and gift from the Lord and you bless so many people with it. I can't wait for you to use it more.
  • that your spirit and love inspires me to be a better person.
  • that your love for your family and the home you created is and will be a haven for many because love - God - lives there.
  • that you are an amazing mother and child."

Everyone needs at least one Steph in their lives!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Empty

Today is September 3rd....Bianca's due date. I remember how anxious I was to meet her and to hold her in my arms. Even though it is so much better having her out than in, it reminds me that my womb is very much empty right now. And it makes me a bit sad.

I wish that Harry wasn't so financially conscious. I wish that Aunt Dot would be willing to watch another baby or that daycare wasn't so expensive. I wish that we weren't in so much debt that I have no choice but to work. Because even though my biological clock is tickly quite loudly, in our current circumstances, we can't even consider getting pregnant right now. And that thought honestly has me wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry.