Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I'm Alive

To the three of you who actually read my blog, you will be happy to know that I am alive! Work has been a complete nightmare the past few weeks, but the madness has started to calm down, and I can breathe once again. I can also dust off my poor, silent blog. Hello again!

The biggest update since my last post: I withdrew from my Anatomy and Physiology class. I just didn't have the time or the energy to devote to it. Even if I had stayed with it, I most likely wouldn't have passed. I really needed to drop the class for my health and for the quality of my relationships with both my daughter and my husband. When I officially withdrew, I felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders, which is exactly what I needed. I really don't know what this means for massage. It could be that I never attempt to get into the program again. OR it could be that now isn't the right time, and I will try again when my life is a little bit more in order. I don't have the answers right now, and frankly, I don't need them.

The same is true for my job. I know I'm not meant to stay here forever. I know I'm destined for bigger and better things. I know I will find a career that not only helps feed my family, but that also feeds my soul. God has promised it, and it will come in His perfect timing. Right now, though, I just need to worry about updating my resume so that my strongest assets shine through. And once that's done, I can start a new job search. In the meantime, I will give my best self to my current job, knowing that it is a platform from which I can leap beyond my current circumstances.

As for the rest of my life, I think this excerpt from an email to my co-pilot sums it up pretty well:

I feel like I've been letting myself go lately, and I really need to get back on top of things. Nothing has changed in terms of the priorities. I just need to start taking ACTION.

1) God has to be the main priority. I need to set aside time each day to be with Him and to read his Word. I am attending a New Members Dinner at my church next Friday, so hopefully I will meet some nutritious people that will help cultivate this area. I also want to sign up for a small group. I don't know why I have been hesitating on this one. I think it's because I need to find one where I can bring Bianca. Especially with basketball starting, Harry will have an erratic schedule. I'm hoping to have a conversation with the Small Groups Pastor at dinner to try and find a solution. And even though I declared I was quitting MOPS, I only skipped one week. Yesterday we had to turn in our shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, so I went. I'm actually glad I did, though. Even though it's not as spiritually focused as I would like, I ended up having a really great time with our table. And I found out our Table Leader went to the Baltimore School of Massage. I didn't get a chance to talk to her much about it, but she could end up being a good person to know. We did have a conversation about feeling guilty as moms, though (me as a working mom and her as a stay-at-home mom). Two different perspectives, but feeling the exact same way. We ended up bonding and ended the night with a hug. I felt a part of the group for the first time! I think that I will continue going. If nothing else, I will have gotten to know a handful of Christian moms. And that is a blessing in itself.

2) I need to get healthier. I was doing great. I was right around the 160 lb mark, but as of this weekend, I was right back around 173. I have put on so much weight the past few weeks. I know it's because I have been stressed, I have been eating too much junk, and I haven't been active at all. I know in my head what I need to do here; I just have to DO it...which is the hard part! (Especially when I am tired. All. The. Time.)

3) I want to be a better wife and mother. I think I'm to the point where I am accepting that I won't have the opportunity to be a quantity wife and mom. So that means I need to focus on quality. I may only have two hours a weekday to spend with Bianca, but that doesn't mean I can't make those two hours wonderful for her. I have to stop focusing on what I don't have and start focusing on what I do. The same with Harry. We don't spend a lot of time together, but that doesn't mean that the time we do have together can't be amazing. I have to work on that!

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