Temptation

I admit it: this morning when my alarm went off, I thought about how lovely it would be to stay in bed all day and then go exploring the city when I finally decided to wake up. But I would feel way too guilty about that, even if I never got caught. So here I sit in the Symphony Ballroom waiting for Day 2 of my workshop to begin.

I forgot to mention in my last post that yesterday was an exciting day for Bianca. She had her first bites of rice cereal. From the looks of her face, she really didn't like it. We took some cute pictures of her with her messy face. I'll have to post them when I get home.

She also played in her exersaucer for the first time yesterday. She liked it, but she's still a bit too small for it. Her feet don't quite touch the floor yet. It seemed as if the monkeys were her favorite toy because she played with them the longest.

I don't want her to grow up too quickly, but it is fun watching her do so!

Missing Home

I am writing this post while sitting alone in the hotel restaurant. I've only been in Miami for a few hours, and already I am homesick. I long to be home with my husband and my daughter.

Isn't it funny how things change when we become parents? A few years ago I would have gone on this trip with enthusiasm, eager to explore a new city. Now I'm just counting down until Friday. I long to hold BiBi, look into her big blue eyes, watch her stick her tongue out, and breathe in her smell as I cover her in kisses.

I also want to be at Harry's basketball game. No, I haven't turned into a sports fanatic overnight. I just long to be where a coach's wife should be: on the bench supporting her man. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be missing a game.

I also regret not being there for Damian's surgery. I talked to Kris and know he's doing fine. I just really wish I could have been there.

Perhaps my lack of sleep last night combined with traveling today has my emotions up a notch. After dinner I plan on taking a hot bath and reading until I fall asleep.

Away From Home

I just arrived in Miami about an hour ago. I have checked into my hotel and am waiting for registration to start. It was difficult leaving Bianca and Harry behind. I am currently feeling a bit nauseous, but I can't help but think it's because I'm homesick. Not for Maryland and certainly not for the cold, but for My Loves. It feels so wrong being here without them, even if this conference will be good for me in the end. I'm just getting a bad, nervous vibe. Hopefully it will go away once I register and am able to relax in a hot bath.

Circle's End

My Vision Board

Sacred Friday

This week, we pondered the word Healing.

Healing. What an incredibly powerful word! Usually when I receive a word, I ponder how it affects my life. This time, I was struck by how universal this word is, and how much everyone needs it.

We are all broken people. We live in a broken world. We are all aching. We are all longing for healing.

God knew what was going to happen to His people and this world before He ever created it, yet He let it all happen. Why? Why would a God who supposedly loves us so much allow such pain and heartache to happen? Why would He allow molestation, rape, devastation through earthquakes, isolation, and murder? How can He sit by and watch His people suffer?

The answer is simple: every tragedy can be turned into good. It is difficult to see good in horrific circumstances. But God wants us to lean on Him. Trust in Him. Live in hope despite the evil in this world. God has promised us riches in heaven. He promises us a new heaven and a new earth. He promises us safety, security, and HEALING if only we cling to Him.

I am passionate about holistic health. I want to achieve total health in mind, body, and spirit. I want others to attain it, too. Did you notice the word HEAL in health? Being completely healthy centers around healing broken parts of ourselves. Many people ponder the purpose in their lives. Ultimately, I think each one of us is on a journey to heal.

This week, Michael W. Smith’s “Healing Rain” has played over and over in my head. When I read about Steph’s foot. When Harry told me there was shooting immediately after his basketball game. When I saw the horrific aftermath of the Haiti earthquake on the news. When I thought of Michele’s miscarriage. When I watched for updates on Natalie’s open-heart surgery, I heard this song.

I have cried so many tears this week. I originally thought it was because I was PMSing. But now I realize I have been crying for the people on this earth. Everyone is hurting. Everyone needs to heal. It makes my heart ache seeing so much pain. I know more than ever that my mission in life is to help people heal…even if in tiny ways.

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long


Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name


Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain


Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain


And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am


Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain


To be washed in Heaven's rain...


Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down


I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

4 Months!

It's hard to believe it, but our Little Miracle turned 4 months today!  We celebrated this milestone by visiting Dr. Fireman.

Bianca did so well.  The appointment began with her getting weighed and measured.  She is now 24" long and 13 lbs 3 oz.  Dr. Fireman said she is growing nicely, although he did not give me a percentile this time.

I asked him once again about her face.  He said that he truly believes that she just has extra sensitive, dry skin.  He wants us to run the humidifier in her room every night, continue using the Aquaphor, and start putting Vaseline on her face before we go outside.  He thinks that we will see a big improvement in her skin during the summer.  He doesn't want to give her a prescription cream, as it will most likely thin out her skin, and she will have permanent scars.  I don't want her resenting me as a teenager, so we'll just stick to our current routine.  If it doesn't get any better this summer, I may ask about other options.

He also said that we can start her on solid foods any time we think she's ready.  Overall, she is extremely healthy.  She is just a tad behind developmentally, as she hasn't started rolling over yet.  He said that we aren't giving her enough tummy time, and if we do so more regularly, she will catch up in no time.

She did really well with her shots this time.  I made sure she was sucking on her pacifier, I held her hands, I kept my face close to hers, and I whispered to her.  She cried, but she didn't scream in pain like last time.  And as soon as I picked her up, she calmed down.  I was so proud of her! 

Of course, all of this sounds so silly when I think of my friend Dawn's brave little daughter Natalie, who is currently recovering from her second open-heart surgery.  I would never be able to give her story justice, so if you'd like, you can read all about her here.  From the updates Dawn has been posting on Facebook, Natalie is doing really well, but I'm sure any extra prayers you're willing to spare would be much appreciated. 

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today, Jamie Ridler asked the question, "How do you wish to shine?"

I wish to shine God's light on everyone I meet.  Through my words and through my actions, I want people to feel warmth and love radiating from me.  My wish is for people to get to know Jesus better, simply by knowing me.  If that happens, I know I am shining in the right way.

If God Used Sticky Notes

Steph gave me the best present for Christmas this year: a mini desk calendar entitled "If God Used Sticky Notes."  I absolutely love reading the little messages that God sends me every morning.  For some reason, I didn't read the one for yesterday until this morning when I went to change the page.

Yesterday's message said, "Gray skies make you appreciate blue skies, don't they?  Love, God"  After being in my gray mood yesterday, this message is SO timely! 

Today's message says, "Maybe someone at work will need an extra smile today!  XO, God"  Umm....really?  Isn't our God SO, SO GOOD?!?!  He sends us the exact message we need to hear at the perfect time.

Like Steph reminded me yesterday, I AM at UMB for a reason.  And I can be a light for Christ no matter where I am.  So today, with a fresh attitude and a lift in my spirit, I will be sure to smile at everyone I meet!  To start, this one's for you:  : ) !

Discontent

I’m sure my PMS is kicking in, but I’m having a rough morning. I really do try to stay positive when it comes to my life. It’s just so hard when I start dwelling on my job – which is exactly what I did when I woke up this morning. My boss sent me an email that asked me to change something. No big deal, right? So tell me: why did I let it bother me so much? I cried. A lot. And I made the comment, “sometimes I don’t know why I’m alive.” Harry got upset at me and said, “That’s a great thing to say in front of your daughter.” I guess I used the wrong words. What I was really trying to say was “I don’t know what my purpose in life is.” I’m pretty sure I was put on this earth to love and empower others. But if that’s the case, what am I doing at the University of Maryland being someone else’s gopher instead of feeding my soul and the souls of others? Why did I spend so many years studying business when it does nothing for me? Why do I have two Master’s degrees and yet am at the very bottom of the organization? Obviously, I don’t belong here. This is supposed to be my year of action, right? But what happens when you don’t even know where to start?

I registered for a class at Essex Community College yesterday: “The Basics of Swedish Massage.” I am so excited about it. Here is one of the dreams that has been lurking in my heart for so many years finally starting to take concrete shape in becoming reality. I just know it will fuel my desire to go to massage school. Of course, finances and having a baby won’t allow me to take this route for quite a while. But once I know the basics, I am determined to practice, practice, practice until my time comes.

I also bought a DVD this weekend that shows how to give infant massage. I haven’t opened it yet, as I am hiding the purchase from my husband. But I can’t wait to dive into it and treat Bianca.

So maybe these are little baby steps I’ve taken. It’s a start. I just wish I could find more contentment at work in the “meantime.” Any suggestions?

I SO Needed To Hear This!

When I arrived at work this morning, I was greated by an email from Cheryl Richardson.  This is an exerpt:

Max suggested that rather than force myself to do something my body and mind clearly wasn't ready to do I should honor my own natural flow of energy. Her prescription was simple: "If you have the energy to do something, do it. If you don't, don't do it." Sounds great, I said, but what about the nagging voices in my head that tell me I have to get things done first? "Ah, you see, this isn't about your to-do list or your cluttered desk" she said. "This is about your mind. You need to learn to manage your mind by telling it to rest while you wait for the energy you need to get a task completed."

I woke up this morning feeling a bit guilty about my lack of action last week and tried to convince myself all morning that this week will be different.  While I do hope it is different, and I do take more action in various areas of my life, I won't feel guilty about my lack of doing.  My body obviously needed rest last week due to the chaotic pace of work, and I honored that.  I shouldn't be ashamed at all.  I will just try to do better this week.

A New Week...and A New Start

I haven't written in a few days.  Last week was a hectic week, and honestly, I'm so glad that today is Sunday and I get a chance to start over.

On Wednesday, I was so excited because I had high hopes for that evening.  But even though I had the best of intentions, it didn't turn out as planned.  I didn't get off work early after all.  In fact, I ended up staying even later.  There is just so much work to do and never enough time to do it in.  In fact, I had to take work to Harry's basketball game on Friday, and still didn't finish my report until 9:30 that night.  If there is one aspect of my life that is throwing my balance out of whack, it's my job.  The sad part is I spend so much time, effort, and energy on my job, and it doesn't mean anything to me.  I'm not making a difference or having an impact.  It is simply a means for earning money.  This week, I am going to make a huge effort to "Be Effective" at work during the nine hours I'm in the office and when 5:00 arrives, I will be ready to leave ON TIME.

I've also decided to start reading the Bible while I'm eating my breakfast.  That way, even if it's for 10 - 15 minutes, I will be sure to get in some of God's Word.  I did this on Thursday and Friday morning, and it really started my day off on the right foot.

This morning, Harry and I went to Middle River Baptist Church to visit.  We immediately felt welcome there.  We sat next to a young couple, who introduced themselves right away.  The worship music was great.  And the message was pretty good.  The man giving the message was only a guest speaker, as the regular pastor is out of state for a family emergency.  He should be back next Sunday, and I think we will be, too.  As long as the sermon is good, we may have found our new church home.  The church doesn't have cell groups, but they do have small group Bible studies every week, so that may work just as well.  They have a great children's and teen's ministry, and Harry was excited to see that they even have an adult volleyball team and cheerleading and basketball for the youth.  It also happens to be the closest church to our home, and when the weather gets warmer, we can walk there.  It truly feels like an answer to a long-time prayer.

Because I saw my mom, my sister, and Damian yesterday, Bianca and I are spending "Family Day" at home today.  It's actually quite nice not feeling obligated to go anywhere.  I hope to get some cleaning, some reading, and some exercise in today.

As long as work doesn't interfere too much, I think this week will be much better than last week.

This Forward Made Me Cry

A Newborn's Conversation with God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her "Mom".

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today, Jamie Ridler asked the question, "What dream do you wish to explore?"

The dream that has been living in my heart since around 2002 is Circle's End.  It's a holistic health business that I own and operate.  It is a place where people come to heal, using tools such as massage, music, journaling, yoga, and nutrition.  The details keep changing in my head, but its name, mission, and logo have remained the same.  Originally I saw a studio.  Then I saw a home office.  Lately, I've been seeing myself traveling to my clients' homes.

#92 on my Day Zero list says, "Create a vision board for Circle's End."  I'm actually very excited about that.  Perhaps my vision will end up solidifying in ways I never expected.  I just can't start on the project until I have more magazines.  (Anybody wish to make a donation of an old one to me?)

I know this dream was put in my heart for a reason.  I don't know what form it will ultimately take, but I know it will help me fulfill my life's purpose: to love others, help them heal, and remind them that they can do or be anything they imagine.

A New Day

Well, it's a new morning.  I had to be at work at 7 AM this morning for a teleconference.  Getting up extra early was not fun.  But I made it to the office on time, and thanks to my espresso and a little prayer to God, I am ready to begin my day on a positive note.  I haven't gotten much accomplished over the past two days, but today is a new day, and fresh starts are allowed!   

Once I finish up this post, I will focus on work.  I WILL Be Effective.  Then I will get off work a little early, which will be wonderful.  After picking up Bianca and arriving at home, the two of us will cuddle on the couch, and I will read to her from the Book of Joshua.  I hope to get dinner finished earlier, and once I've eaten and let my food settle, I will have a nice workout.  At the very least, I want to get in my Shred workout.  And if I have enough energy, I will spend some time on the treadmill, as well.  I don't think there is anything good on TV tonight, so I will have the rest of my evening to read or to journal.  It's a great plan!  (Hmmm...maybe I should pray for more 7 AM telecons!)

Dud of a Day

Yesterday was a dud of a day in terms of my goals.  I honestly didn't get anything accomplished.  This is what my day looked like:
5:30 - got up (after being up half the night with Bianca) and completed my morning routine
7:00 - left for work
8:00 - started my work day
1:00 - ate lunch at my desk
5:00 - left work
5:30 - picked up Bianca
6:00 - got home and fed Bianca
6:25 - made dinner
6:50 - ate dinner
7:20 - crashed on the couch and held Bianca
8:00 - watched the Batchelor with Harry, still holding Bianca
10:00 - went to bed

Where is my Bible reading?  Where is my workout?  Where is my journaling? 

Ok, I admit that I was really exhausted because I didn't get much sleep and I had a busy day at work.  But today really doesn't look much different from yesterday.  Maybe when Harry gets home tonight (hopefully around 8:00), I will have enough energy to work out.  But I admit that I am pretty tired again.

I don't want to fail at improving myself.  It's just going to be a lot more difficult than I imagined.

  

Doing Better

It seems like Bianca is back to her old self....at least for now.  She slept through the night last night, and Aunt Dot said she has been an absolute angel the past two days.  Guess she's definitely feeling better.

At the moment, she is sitting on the couch playing with her "Fluffy Chick and Friends" book and watching Dora the Explorer.  I'm not sure if she is talking to the book or the television, but she certainly has a lot to say!  I love listening to her "talk."  The sound of her voice is like music to my ears.  I can't help but smile when I hear it!

One funny thing that she's been doing lately is blowing raspberries.  She sticks out her tongue and spits.  It's really funny watching her do it.  She also managed to find her thumb this week.  Previously, she would try to put her whole hand in her mouth.  Lately she's been putting in just the thumb.  I really don't want her to get into sucking her thumb, but I have to admit that she is just so adorable when she does it.

In other news, we found out today that BiBi's cousin-to-be is a girl.  Bella Marie is due on May 31st.  Congratulations Aunt Beth and Uncle Jason!

Have I Mentioned Lately How Much I LOVE Debbie Ford?

If not...I do!!  And emails like the one I received this morning are why: 

Welcome to 2010, the healthiest, sexiest, richest, most exciting, magical and adventurous year of your life. Are you in? This is a year when you fall in love with yourself, your body, your career, your life, and all of those around you. This is a holy year when your highest self comes first. And instead of listening to the voice of your past, you tune in and listen to the voice of your own soul. You don't focus on getting, you focus on giving your greatest self to the world. You are going to the holy land of your highest expression.

Posting From My Blackberry!

Technology is pretty neat! It is allowing me to blog without having to be near a computer. Kristen just felt Bianca's gums. Apparently her top gums are getting hard, a first sign of teething. Guess this is just the beginning of Cranky Bianca!

Day Zero Project

In my quest to improve myself, I have decided to participate in the Day Zero Project.  I was toying with the idea of keeping a separate blog to record my progress, but my awesome co-pilot Steph thought trying to keep up with three different blogs might be a little much for me.  Is she a wise woman or what?  I decided to listen to her and not start a separate blog.  I may, however, refer to my list from time to time, so here is my complete list of 101 tasks to complete in 1001 days:

1) Create PhotoBook of our house being built
2) Finish decorating every room in our house
3) Finish Bianca's journal
4) Plant and maintain a garden
5) Go on a cruise
6) Stay in a Bed & Breakfast
7) Take a Tai Chi class
8) Read 101 books
9) Read the Message Bible
10) Send 3 "Just Because" care packages
11) Write 20 random notes and leave them for people to find
12) Try 25 new recipes
13) Find/join a cell group
14) Visit the library at least once a month
15) Have "Girls Weekend" with Mom
16) Go on a Christian women's retreat
17) Complete the 29 gifts project (http://www.29gifts.org/)
18) Fit into a size 8
19) Read the 7 spiritual books that Leonie recommends
20) Keep a prayer journal
21) Write 50 handwritten notes to friends
22) Write myself a letter and don't open it until January 1, 2013
23) Journal or blog daily
24) Ride my bike at least twice a week
25) Go on a missions trip
26) Take a bath with Harry
27) Clean the bathrooms at least twice a month
28) Read 20 holistic health books
29) Use only reusable bags when shopping
30) Sit down with Grandma and ask for parenting advice
31) Floss every day
32) Wash my face every night before bed
33) Write 10 poems
34) Try playing tennis
35) Try Raindrop Therapy or a new spa treatment
36) Make the bed every morning
37) Go for a walk/run 3 times a week
38) Go to the dentist every six months
39) Work only 8 hours per day every day for a month
40) Create 5-year plan for working towards a new career
41) Learn self-massage techniques for my neck and shoulders
42) Learn infant massage
43) Pay off my car
44) Go through pictures on my laptop; get special ones developed
45) Strive to be a Proverbs 31 Woman
46) Complete the "Couch to 5K Program"
47) Have Girls Day once a season
48) Have Lasik eye surgery
49) Eat at least one vegetable per day
50) Detail my car once a month
51) Send a message in a bottle
52) Do something romantic for Harry once a month
53) Take a beginner dance class for adults
54) Complete Bianca's Baby Books
55) Buy 10 CDs stored in my AOL "Music" folder
56) Go on a family vacation with Harry, Bianca, Mom, Kris, and Damian
57) Go to a Maryland Terps basketball game with Harry
58) Bake cookies using the recipe on the Nestle Tollhouse bag
59) Go to the Aquarium with Harry and Bianca
60) Go to Caesar's Poconos Resort for romantic weekend
61) Go to an Oriole's away game
62) Go to a Capital's game
63) Write a Letter to the Editor for a newspaper
64) Grown an indoor herb garden
65) Go to the Baltimore Zoo with Harry and Bianca
66) Go on a Couple's Picnic
67) Buy a beta fish and display it in the living room or my office
68) Donate blood on a regular basis
69) Take a kickboxing class
70) Create a pushpin map of the U.S. to mark the states Harry & I visit together
71) Get picture taken in photo booth in OCMD with Harry & Bianca
72) Attend the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC
73) Plan something exciting for Harry's 35th Birthday
74) Make a stepping stone for our garden
75) Walk/play outside together as a family once a week
76) Make a menu plan on Sunday for the rest of the week
77) Look into getting my toenail removed
78) Read to Bianca every day
79) Host a Cookie Exchange
80) Get pregnant again
81) Find a new church home
82) Create an altar at home
83) Go hiking with Kathleen or someone of similar energy and inspiration
84) Take a day trip with myself and my journal
85) Volunteer 101 hours
86) Take a mental health day
87) Take the stairs at work every day
88) Walk 10,000 steps every day
89) Write a fan letter to an author I admire
90) Start a new gratitude/pleasure journal
91) Drink at least 32 oz of water a day
92) Create a vision board for Circle's End
93) Host a theme movie/dinner night
94) Visit the Outer Banks or a new beach
95) Take a photo of Bianca every day for a year
96) Create PhotoBook with all 365 pictures of her
97) Fill a journal for Harry
98) Visit Africa
99) Join the Worship Team at church
100) Create new exercise chart; Actually reward myself
101) Make at least $50,000 in base salary a year

Cranky Girl

I have a tendency to say that we have a very pleasant baby, and for the most part, it's true.  The last few days, however, have shown us a different side to our Little One.  She has been cranky with a capital C!  For the majority of her waking hours, she has been crying nonstop.  Holding her doesn't help.  Lying her down doesn't help.  Putting her in her swing doesn't help.  Her bottle doesn't help.  Her favorite paci doesn't help.  She hasn't even been sleeping through the night.  Last night, she got up three different times.  I read that babies start to cry less when they reach four months.  For whatever reason, Bianca seems to be crying more.

In good news, it seems like she is doing better today.  (Knock on wood)  She woke up around 6:00 for a bottle.  She then went back to sleep until around 8:30.  She was feeling a little warm, so I gave her some Tylenol.  About an hour ago, she started crying again, but she calmed down pretty quickly when Harry held her and fed her.  She has been acting pleasant ever since.  

I'm wondering if it's her teeth that are bothering her.  She has been drooling like crazy and she constantly chews on her hands.  I thought that it was too early to begin teething, but my mom and sister said babies can start showing signs of teething before the teeth actually pop out.  I felt her gums last night, and I don't think I felt anything different.  Then again, I don't exactly know what I'm feeling for.  Perhaps I'll ask Kris to check tomorrow.

I also wonder if she misses Aunt Dot.  During the week, she spends more time with her than with us.  Harry has been off all week, so she's stayed home with him.  Maybe she is just tired of spending so much time with us.

I hope everyone is having a happy New Year so far.

What's in a Name?

I don't think I ever considered how important one's name is.  I was walking on the treadmill last night when it struck me. 

Carey Zink is the old me.  Carey Zink is fat, lazy, scared, undecisive, a doormat, alone, and living in darkness. 

Carey Martin is the new me.  Carey Martin is a wife and mother.  She is healthy.  She is strong.  She is happy and secure.  She is surrounded by nuturing friends.  She dreams big dreams and takes action to make them come true.  She isn't afraid to tell the truth about herself, no matter what the cost.  She lives in divine light.  Carey Martin is whom I was always meant to be!

Sacred Friday

This week, we had to ponder two words: Acceptance and Strength.  It's pretty obvious that these words were meant to be pulled together.  I've come to realize that the more you have of the former, the more you will have of the latter.

Take for instance the following situations from my own life:
~ I have to accept that there is a lot of darkness in my past, but I gain strength knowing that I am forgiven and alive in Jesus.
~ I have to accept that I will make mistakes while raising Bianca, but I gain strength knowing that God trusted me enough to make me a mother.
~ I have to accept that Harry isn't always romatic, but I gain strength as he loves me in his own mundane, devoted, perfect way.
~ I have to accept that my job situation won't change drastically overnight, but I gain strength knowing I am exactly where God wants me, and it will ultimately lead to bigger things.
~ In general, I have to accept that life doesn't always go as planned, but I can gain strength knowing that God can turn all situations into good and can use them for His Glory.