Familiar Feeling

This morning I am sad.  Leaving Bianca at home tore at my heart strings.  Tuesday night when I got home, she was napping.  I sat down next to her on the bed and just watched her breathe for a few minutes.  I don't know if she could sense me, or if she would have woken up regardless, but her eyes slowly opened, and when she saw me she smiled.  She then said sleepily, "Mommy!  You came home!" and quickly sat up to fall into my arms.

Yesterday was Independence Day, and when I told her I would be staying home all day, she smiled brightly and said, "oh, thank you, Mommy!" complete with a tight hug.

This morning, after holding her for only a minute after she woke up, I told her I had to get ready for work.  She looked sad, but asked, "and I can go to Dot's?"  I felt terrible telling her she couldn't go, and even more terrible that I had to leave her there, sitting on the floor, holding tightly to her Dora doll, as her face fell.  But being the brave and loving soul she is, she replied, "I love you, too" when I offered the words and another hug as solace.

It took me almost three years to get to a place of peace regarding my working outside of the home.  And in an instant, my boat is rocked, and I am beginning to sink back into the familiar feeling of longing and guilt I thought I had conquered.  Yes, this morning I am sad.