Embarrassed

This morning I am wearing a dress that is too short and was wearing a pair of underwear that is apparently too big.  I had not even walked a block from the parking garage and I could feel my underwear at my knees.  I had to duck into a building and stand there until I could figure out what to do.  (Mind you, every building has a security guard at the front desk.)  I just decided to unclench my legs and let them fall.  I put them in my purse, left the building, and continued walking.

I have never not worn underwear in public in my life.  (Ok....except for once when we had "Commando Tuesday" while I was in AmeriCorps.)  I feel so exposed.  I am just praying that I have little discharge today, and I don't have to sneeze.  I have a training and a meeting this afternoon.  I am praying I don't have any issues.  I just wish this dress was longer; then maybe I wouldn't be as concerned.  To make matters worse, the only reason I wore this dress today was because I have an internal exam tonight.  Perhaps I can slip my undies back on before I head into the doctor's office.  All I know is this is going to be a looong day.  

People

This morning I saw a message that read, "Funny, isn't it, how sometimes the one person you think you have the least to learn from can teach you the most?  Might as well just love them all!"  I wrote it down, but didn't think much of it, until just now.

A few minutes ago, I overheard one of my colleagues on the phone.  There was a mistake with the shipping of a package, and she was trying to resolve it.  Her tone was very nasty.  She was very curt and downright mean to the person on the other end of the phone.  Not getting the help she thought she deserved, she eventually said, "Forget it.  I will call back to talk to someone else," and slammed down the receiver.

She is the one person in our office of whom I am not very fond.  I try to avoid contact with her as much as possible.  Yet, today I did learn a great deal from her.  I learned how not to treat people.  I learned how important kindness is, especially in the middle of a conflict.  I learned that in order to be respected, you must offer respect first.  I learned that no matter what difficulties I am facing, I do not want to treat others so harshly.

And now, as I type these words, I realize that I need to go home and apologize to my daughter.  I was getting a bit impatient with her over a silly issue last night, and I did not treat her as kindly as I should have.  Yes, I am learning a lot today...

Wishcasting Wednesday: Sharing

Today, Jamie posed the question, "What do you wish to share?"

I have so much I wish to share with this world:
~ Love
~ Smiles
~ Attention
~ My Voice
~ Hugs
~ A Shoulder
~ My Story
~ Warmth
~ Light
~ Inspiration
~ Healing
~ Wealth

As I grow into a more authentic, healthy version of myself, offering these gifts will become easier and more innate.  I wish to be a valuable treasure to everyone I meet.

Catholic No More

This past Sunday, I cantored at St. Luke's for the final time.  I had been singing there twice a month since March.  Prior to Bianca's birth, I sang there almost every week for 15 years.  After she was born, I left.  I was searching for something more, and I found it at CCC.

I wasn't quite sure why God called me back.  (At least I thought it was Him at the time)  But now I know I had to go back there.  In the short amount of time that I was back, I was introduced to two new (and younger) priests.  Their sermons were definitely more modern, but I quickly realized that I simply wasn't being fed in the Catholic Church anymore.  It wasn't any more complicated than that.  I couldn't wait for my obligation to end.

Now it has. 

And I finally feel free.

On Work

I walk the halls of the CVD and I feel at peace.  This is where I belong.  This is where I will build my career.  This is where I will retire.  Perhaps not from the CVD, but from the University.  I feel settled.  I feel at home.

I remember writing numerous journal articles through the years begging God to give me answers in regards to my career.  My life seemed to be working out in every area except for that one.  Even when I worked in Malaria, I still felt restless and unsatisfied.  But now that I have joined the CVD, all that has changed.  At least for now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And I must admit: it feels quite good!!

Last Night

Last night was one of those perfect nights.  After a powerful night of prayer with my small group, I finally arrived home around 9:30 PM.  We headed upstairs fairly soon after that.  I hadn't seen Bianca or Harry all day, so all three of us got into bed together.  We had a fun pillow fight complete with lots of laughter.  Then we spent a few minutes talking about our day.  Then we said prayers.  Then we all cuddled as a family, our arms making a bit of a love knot.  Once Bianca drifted to sleep, I focused on my own prayers as thunder and lightning flashed outside.  For me, it was exactly what my soul needed.

This morning, I feel great.  Much, much better than yesterday.  I didn't need to hit the snooze button, I straightened up Bianca's toys in the family room, and I headed to work before Harry or Bianca got up.  I blasted one of my Alanis CDs on the way, and I continued singing as I was walking through the parking garage.  (Which happened to have awesome acoustics!!)  Perfect start to my day.  My heart is overflowing with joy and gratitude today! 

I Heard a Great Quote Yesterday

"Some people are so afraid of endings that they never have any beginnings." ~ Elena Artimovich

It made me ponder my own life:  What do I need to end?  What do I need to begin? 

I didn't spend much time on the questions, but I know I need to find the answers if I want to have a more deeply satisfying existence.

This and That

~ I'm not feeling so well today.  Achy stomach, nausea, lack of energy.... I just want to go home and curl up on the couch.
~ I am really missing my husband and my daughter today.  All day I've wanted to leave my desk and rush home to the arms of my two favorite people.
~ Tonight at small group, we are having a time of prayer and sharing instead of our usual Bible study.  Even though I long to be at home, I simply wouldn't miss a powerful night of being in the presence of the Holy Spirit and some truly wonderful ladies.
~ Most days I feel very confident in my new role as Office Manager.  I have one pending task, however, that I have been trying to resolve since July 9th.  It is making me doubt my abilities just a bit.
~ I found out today that I am not covered by FMLA since I have been a State employee for less than a year.  My boss told me not to worry about job security, though.
~ I have been a little weepy the past two days.  I'm not sure why.  I need to pay close attention to myself these next few weeks to make sure I am not slipping back into PPD.
~ But if I am, I must promise myself to get help sooner rather than later.
~ My mom and my aunt have been fighting a lot these past few weeks.  Some over Bianca, some over my grandmother, some over money.  I long for peace to take over their hearts.
~ I haven't yet made it known to my family that Alex won't be baptized in the Catholic Church.  Even though I am standing firm in my decision, I am a bit nervous of their reactions.
~ I heard a sermon today that said there is a big difference between simply believing in Christ and actually being a committed disciple of His.  It made me wonder which camp I fall in.
~ I feel guilty that I don't volunteer anymore.  But I don't have the energy to do anything about it right now.
~ I really wish Alanis would release her U.S. tour dates.  She will be in Atlantic City on August 29th.  Normally, I would have made the drive to see her.  But 5 days post baby delivery isn't very practical.
~ I am holding onto hope that she will come to Baltimore again.  It's been way too long since I've seen her last.
~ This time, she will be in our presence as a wife and mother.  I know she will appear even more beautiful because of it.
~ I am hungry, but all I have with me are Pop Tarts, which give me terrible heartburn.  I don't know if I should attempt to eat anything else, though.  My stomach is really not cooperating today.
   

39 Days

In 39 days, I will see the face of my beautiful daughter.
In 39 days, Bianca will be a big sister.
In 39 days, Harry will have another little lady to love.
In 39 days, the Martin Family will be a little more complete.
In 39 days, Alexandra Elise will be here.

And I can't wait!!

Anxiously Waiting

Yesterday I went to the OB for my bi-weekly checkup, and everything looked good.  The exciting news is my doctor asked me how August 24th looked for a surgery date.  Both of our schedules are clear that day, but the date needs to be cleared by the hospital.  I asked her if I should pencil the date in, but she told me to hold off.  She said, "I will call you tomorrow."  Of course, she didn't say WHEN she would call.  As a result, I can't really concentrate; I am just waiting for the phone to ring.

My luck?  She will call while I'm at the Courthouse taking my oath to become a Notary Public.  I'm leaving work at 1 PM to do so.  I really hope she calls before then!!  

So Sleepy

I mentioned it before, but I will just reiterate: these days, I have no energy.  I have been at work for two hours, and I have done nothing.  I feel like I am sleepwalking.  All I really want to do is put my head down and nap.  Of course, that is impossible.  Luckily, I am leaving work early today to pick up my notary commission at the Circuit Court.  Hopefully the process won't take too long, and I can get home a little early.  I just wish I could wake up!!

33 Weeks

When I was pregnant with Bianca, I loved every minute it.  I wasn't very uncomfortable despite the summer heat, I loved the way my body looked, and I felt extremely comfortable in my skin.  This time, though not quite miserable, I am certainly not the radiant woman I once was.

I have now entered Week 33.  Time seems to be passing by like molasses.  My body hurts, I have no energy, and I have already gained more weight than I did my entire pregnancy with Bianca.  I have trouble breathing and sleeping.  I get achy if I sit or stand in one place too long.  My legs hurt walking back and forth to the parking garage each weekday. 

I have trouble comprehending that I still have 7 weeks to go.  Though it will be here in the blink of an eye, it feels like it is still way out of reach.  I still have to wash the baby clothes, put them away, and install the car seat base.  Once I am done with those tasks, I am seriously ready to give birth at any time. 

Yummy Smoothie

I just finished drinking a yummy smoothie.  It was a variation of a recipe I found online.  Sadly, I don't remember where, so I can't give proper credit.

This morning I threw a frozen banana, 1 heaping tablespoon of peanut butter, a handful of spinach, and an unknown quantity of Dark Chocolate Almond Milk (I just filled the rest of the cup) into my Magic Bullet.  The resulting smoothie was delicious!! 

I only wish I had another one for later.  I honestly think drinking that smoothie could help ease my daily craving for a mocha latte.  Yes, it was that satisfying.  Even though I took some liberty with the ingredients, I can definitely see why some people indulge in their "green monsters" daily.

Magic Bullet

A few years ago, my mother-in-law gave me a Magic Bullet for Christmas.  Because I had it for over two years and never opened it, I decided to give it to the Purple Heart last year. 

A few months ago when I was trying to make cake pops, I realized how much easier it would have been to have a food processor.  The same thought went through my head when I was trying to crush Oreos for dirt cake.  I wanted to kick myself for giving the appliance away again yesterday morning as I was unsuccessfully trying to make a smoothie in my less-than-high-end blender.

For whatever reason, I have been on a smoothie kick this week, looking up different recipes I could try.  I have also been sharing a few with my coworker, who is also on a quest to get healthier.  We had a ten-minute conversation yesterday about the Magic Bullet, and how it would be the perfect tool for making smoothies, especially because you can blend the drinks right inside the cup.  I also told her my woeful story of how I used to have one, never used it, gave it away, and am now regretting the decision.

You won't believe it, but lo and behold, when I got home from work yesterday, there was a Magic Bullet sitting on my kitchen counter!  I was a little bit in shock!  I hadn't mentioned that machine to my hubby in months, yet on the day I spent talking about how much I wanted one, it magically appeared in our home.  All I can say is "wow."  I know it's a silly example, but it's just proof to me that God really does provide for our every need....and in some cases our wants, too!

It also goes to show you that I have the most wonderful husband who pays closer attention to me than I think he does!

Oh - and for the record - I have made two smoothies with the Magic Bullet so far, and they have both turned out great!!  : )     

Familiar Feeling

This morning I am sad.  Leaving Bianca at home tore at my heart strings.  Tuesday night when I got home, she was napping.  I sat down next to her on the bed and just watched her breathe for a few minutes.  I don't know if she could sense me, or if she would have woken up regardless, but her eyes slowly opened, and when she saw me she smiled.  She then said sleepily, "Mommy!  You came home!" and quickly sat up to fall into my arms.

Yesterday was Independence Day, and when I told her I would be staying home all day, she smiled brightly and said, "oh, thank you, Mommy!" complete with a tight hug.

This morning, after holding her for only a minute after she woke up, I told her I had to get ready for work.  She looked sad, but asked, "and I can go to Dot's?"  I felt terrible telling her she couldn't go, and even more terrible that I had to leave her there, sitting on the floor, holding tightly to her Dora doll, as her face fell.  But being the brave and loving soul she is, she replied, "I love you, too" when I offered the words and another hug as solace.

It took me almost three years to get to a place of peace regarding my working outside of the home.  And in an instant, my boat is rocked, and I am beginning to sink back into the familiar feeling of longing and guilt I thought I had conquered.  Yes, this morning I am sad.

Unwell

This morning I woke up with a headache that has kept me company all day.  Yesterday, I woke up nauseous with a stomachache.  I haven't felt this unwell in a while.  Sadly, I think I am on junk food overload.  I haven't been eating right, I haven't been exercising, and I think I'm paying for it now.  I feel bad about this, as my daughter-to-be is eating just as unhealthily as I am. 

To make up for it, I sent Harry to the store to buy some fruit and spinach so that I can make a few green smoothies.  Hopefully drinking them will help me feel better.  From here on out, I really need to make better food choices.  I really do long to have a healthy body.  It's time to stop using my pregnancy as an excuse for eating so poorly.  If anything, it should have been motivating me to eat better all along.  Oh well.  It's never too late for a fresh start, right?