Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Everything is Going to Be OK

For the handful of you who knew about my little emotional breakdown last week, you will be happy to know that I am feeling much better.

I was questioning my decision to go to massage school. But mostly that doubt came about when one of my co-workers told me that he didn't see me a massage therapist, and I took those words to heart. I started piling up all the reasons why I wouldn't be a good massage therapist and I started to believe it. In the end, though, (or perhaps this is still just the beginning!) I decided to stick with it. I've had this desire for many years. I think I would be cheating myself immensely if I just gave up before I even started. Most people die regretting something they didn't do, as opposed to the ones they did. I don't want to regret giving up on my dream, especially for no good reason except someone told me it wasn't for me.

I was also panicking over my career...or more lack of one. My "career" has been made up of a series of jobs that I'm not passionate about and that consistently leave me at the bottom of the totem pole. What other person do you know that has two Master's degrees and is just a secretary? Do I really think that little of myself? Am I afraid of success?

I love to recall the message Joel Osteen gave about this being an Ephesians 3:20 decade. He said that if we have patience and faith, God will increase us RIGHT WHERE WE ARE. Yesterday, our department administrator sent out a head's up for a new position that is being posted soon. It is for a Vaccine Testing Evaluation Unit Coordinator. Honestly, the position isn't much of a step up...there will still be plenty of administrative work to do...BUT it IS a step. "Coordinator" sounds so much better on a resume than "Assistant." And when I inquired about the starting salary, I found out it is $40 - $50K depending on experience and education. Because I have experience in the CVD, I have two Master's degrees, and I have some experience with budgets and financial reports, I think I would be closer to 50 than 40, which would be a great raise. Not huge, but much better than if I would stay put. I don't know what my chances are of getting the job, but I'm going to apply. Because any step is better than no step. And I believe that God will promote me right where I am.

When I was having my breakdown, I ended up contacting our EAP office. I asked to be set up with a career counselor or life coach. I really wanted someone to sit down with me and help me figure my life out. I got the results back yesterday. The majority of them are male. I was really hoping for a female. Anyway, I'm deciding whether or not I should make an appointment. Should I just keep on with the status quo because I'm feeling better? Or should I really talk this through and see where it leads me? that I write both options out, I think I like the latter one. At this point, what do I have to lose? I want to be more brave and more authentic.

I was also questioning my decision to get married and have children. I am deeply in love with my husband, but it turns out there was some unresolved tension from my past still locked in my heart. I dealt with it the best way I knew how, and with the help of some advice from Eat, Pray, Love, I think I finally let it go. I am happy with where I am. And if things were meant to be different, they would be.

Part of me is still aching to run away to the beach and live in a cute cottage by the water, but I've gotten more peace realizing it will come...eventually. It's just not time yet. Harry and I already talked about retiring on the water. It will happen. When it's time.

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