First Steps!!

I am very, very excited to announce that Bianca took her first steps yesterday!! (And if these aren't her first steps, I thank Aunt Dot for letting me believe they are!) At first, she took one step towards Harry. We were so excited about that! Then a few minutes later, she took one step towards me. We were cheering at that point. Finally, about a half hour later, she took FIVE steps towards me!! They were tiny, wobbly steps, but she was walking! We shouted and clapped and gave her a HUGE hug! She has been cruising a while now holding onto furniture and walls, but she's been hesitant to let go. It was so exciting to witness those first steps on her own!! I am SO GRATEFUL that I was there to see it!

Our Little One had her one-year appointment on Friday. She weighs 18 lbs 13 oz and is 29 inches long. That puts her in the 50th percentile for length and the 15th percentile for weight. Dr. Fireman isn't concerned about her growth, though, because she has been below average in weight since 6 months. Plus, she has a nice chubby belly to go along with it!

We are now supposed to be transitioning her from formula to milk. I don't think we'll have any issue there, because she had no problem drinking the milk out of her bottle or her sippy cup. In fact, she followed her first sip with "mmmm"!

Dr. Fireman also wants us to start breaking her of both the bottle and the pacifier relatively soon. We have decided to start with the bottle. We are going to ease her down to two bottles a day - one in the morning and one at night. The rest of the day, she will use her sippy cup. We have also decided to try forgoing the middle-of-the-night feedings. If she wakes up, we will let her cry for 15 minutes. If she doesn't sooth herself by then, I will go in and hold her. If she still doesn't go back to sleep at that point, I will give her a bottle. She did really well last night. She whined three different times, but each time, she was able to put herself back to sleep relatively quickly. Harry suggested we turn off the monitor now, but I'm not quite ready for that yet! I definitely want to hear her if she cries.

My baby is growing up too fast!!

Convicted!

In response to my last post, God took me to my dear friend Deanna's blog. This is what she had to say:

Stop analyzing and let God be God!

"We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."
Proverbs 19:21 (MSG)


God's purpose will eventually prevail, but the question is how quickly?

How many times do we analyze our way out of a miracle? How often does our human striving delay the answer from God we've been looking for?

I'm a natural analyzer. I do it almost as naturally as breathing. And I'm trying to stop.

When a problem comes up my natural inclination is to think of several ways it could be solved. The problem with that is, many times God wants to do something that is totally outside the realm of anything I could conjure up. He wants to do something bigger, and more creative.

I hear God speaking to me to take my hands off (and my mind as well) and let Him do his thing.

I'm not talking stupidity here...if a glass of milk dropped on the floor and shatters, I'm not turning it over to God to figure out. Obviously I know how to solve that problem and there's no need to analyze it or pray about it. I'm talking about those things that are more serious complexities of life.

Why do we try (unsuccessfully over and over) to fit God in OUR realm of possibility?

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Ephesians 3:20-21 (MSG)

His purpose will always prevail but how many times do we delay it by trying unsuccessfully to solve it ourselves?

Re-evaluating...Again

Once again, I am questioning the direction that my life is headed. I have spent a lot of time on Dream University's website today. One common theme emerged: before you can pinpoint your dreams, you have to know what your purpose in life is. The first step in discovering your life's true purpose is paying attention to what your passions are.

I have decided to go on a Passion Quest this week to try to identify the things that excite me. The reason I am doing so is because I am once again questioning my decision to go through with the massage program.

Admittingly, Anatomy & Physiology is pretty difficult. I need to do well in the class before I can even get into the massage program. Am I doubting the program because I'm not sure I will pass the class?

Also, it's no secret that my biological clock is ticking quite loudly at the moment. Harry and I both want more children. I love having a sibling close in age, and I want to give my children that same gift. One of Harry's usual responses to me is, "You should finish the massage program first." If I do that, I won't be able to get pregnant until Fall 2012. I won't give birth until 2013. That means Bianca and her brother or sister will be 4 years apart. I don't want to wait that long. Is my longing for children overriding my desire to finish school?

Or is it simply that I am not meant to be a massage therapist? I love the idea of holistic health. I love the idea of working in a peaceful environment. I love the idea of working one-on-one with my clients. But what if massage is not the right outlet for me?

Steph and I had a similar conversation a few months ago. I was ready to pull out of the program back then. I later changed my mind, rationalizing that I had to go through with the experience because I had been dreaming about it for so long and it wouldn't be fair to myself to give up so soon. Sadly, it's months later and I am still in the same boat. Part of me wants to just give up now. The other part of me wants to go through with it. Ugh! I am such a complexity!!

Anyway, I'm hoping that my Passion Quest will give me some insights as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life!

I don't need to go on a Passion Quest, though, to know that these things excite me more than any other:

~ Love & Service
~ Self Improvement
~ People's stories
~ Writing
~ Music

Hmmm.....I just need help translating those things into a meaningful career....

Friends

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose." ~ Tehyi Hsieh

Blessed

I am so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful best friend. On Friday, I received the following email. It not only made me cry, but it was like a calm breeze in the middle of the tornado that has been my life the past couple of weeks.

"...That must mean I should send you an email to tell you:

• that you are an absolute treasure and I am so thankful to have you as one of my best friends.
• that you are appreciated and celebrated for who you are and what you will become.
• that you are wonderfully and fearfully made by God and that He will use you to do mighty works.
• that you are just beginning to see your Ephesians 3:20 decade come into bloom. You have no idea what He has in store.
• that both your writing and singing talent is truly a talent and gift from the Lord and you bless so many people with it. I can't wait for you to use it more.
• that your spirit and love inspires me to be a better person.
• that your love for your family and the home you created is and will be a haven for many because love - God - lives there.
• that you are an amazing mother and child."

Everyone needs at least one Steph in their lives!!!

Empty

Today is September 3rd....Bianca's due date. I remember how anxious I was to meet her and to hold her in my arms. Even though it is so much better having her out than in, it reminds me that my womb is very much empty right now. And it makes me a bit sad.

I wish that Harry wasn't so financially conscious. I wish that Aunt Dot would be willing to watch another baby or that daycare wasn't so expensive. I wish that we weren't in so much debt that I have no choice but to work. Because even though my biological clock is tickly quite loudly, in our current circumstances, we can't even consider getting pregnant right now. And that thought honestly has me wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry.

On the Way to Work

While I was driving into work this morning, I saw a woman driving a red VW convertible Beetle with black spots and a black top. It also had a vanity license plate that said "Berbie." I couldn't help but smile and feel a slight pang of jealousy. Not because I have a desire to drive a Lady Bug, but because ultimately, I would love to drive a car once more that gets me giddy inside. I know that Beetle's owner must smile, have fun, and feel so comfortable when she looks at or gets into her car. I know it because that's the exact way I felt when I finally owned a purple VW Cabrio after dreaming for one for years. I loved that car so much. My accident was really devastating to me, mainly because I lost my car. I look forward to the day when I can drive a car I not only love, but also causes me to get warm and fuzzies inside!

I also heard "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller on the radio. I don't know why this song touches me so deeply, but it does. I am in instant prayer when I hear it. And I could play it over and over and never get tired of it. It put me in a great mood.

Finally, as I was waiting at a red light, a pack of about 10 students crossed the street. It reminded me that I am so lucky to be working on a college campus. It also reminded me that I don't get away from my desk enough to remember that fact. So I think starting in September, I will make sure to go over to the Student Center to eat lunch once a month. That way I can be more connected to the campus and find out if anything fun is happening. Last spring, they had a free steel drum concert that I would have loved to go to. Of course, I could only listen to it faintly from my office, as I always feel chained to my desk when my supervisor is around. I think that needs to change a bit.

I'm a hard worker, and that fact won't change. But I also think a change of scenery every once in a while isn't just nice, it's necessary. Maybe then I won't feel so stressed out about work. And I'll remember that all things considered, I work in a pretty awesome place!!