Cravings

Yesterday, I started craving pizza around 9:30 AM.  No matter what I ate throughout the day or how hard I tried to distract myself from this desire, I found myself simply insatiable.  It wasn't until I ordered and ate some pizza for dinner last night that I could feel once again at peace.

Our ladies' small group has just started delving into a new book called "Desperate: Seeking Simplicity...Finding the Cross" by Cindi Wood.  The chapter I read today - "Addicted to Comfort?" - really struck a chord inside of my soul, especially considering the large craving I had yesterday.

The author reminds us that we were created with a hungering in our spirits.  God put it there.  He is a jealous God (Deut. 4:24) and wants us to want Him more than we want anybody or anything else.  Deep inside of us is a craving that cannot and will not be satisfied with any earthly thing.  Eating that pizza feels (extremely!) gratifying for the moment, but soon leaves us pining again. 

From now on, I will pay closer attention to my cravings - whether they be food or shopping or TV or vacation related.  It is my hope that I can first turn to God when my appetite is out of control and say, "Lord, right now I am turning to you with this desire, instead of to the pizza I so desperately want.  Fill me with you."

The whole point of the lesson is that we should find ultimate comfort in Jesus.  Cindi sums it up well when she writes: By all means, savor that piece of chocolate and cup of coffee.  But instead of turning to them for comfort, let them be an opportunity to praise the Giver. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4).  

Long Time, No Post!

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since I have posted on this blog!  So much has happened in that time, and I'm sad that I haven't recorded any of it.

Our (not so) Little One is turning 3 next month.  3!  I can hardly believe how fast time has gone by.  She has such a wonderful personality.  She loves to paint and draw and cut up her coloring books into tiny pieces.  She sings and dances whenever she hears a familiar song.  She loves going to church and the playground, especially because she loves being around other children.  She loves to give hugs and kisses and thinks pillow fights are lots of fun.  Her new favorite cartoon is Doc McStuffins, and she insists on having a McStuffins-themed birthday party.  She can play several games on Daddy's laptop.  She loves to go outside and jump in puddles.  If given the choice, she would run around naked all day.  She has a smile that brightens my day and melts my heart.  She likes to remind me that we both have blue eyes and the same nose.  She tells me I'm her best friend. 

Our lives will be changing very shortly.  In 10 days, BiBi will become a big sister.  She is excited, although I don't know if she completely understands what that means.  I know she will be great, but it will be an adjustment for us all.  Another baby equals more joy, and I can't wait to have our second Little One join the Martin Family.

I will try to update this blog a little more frequently, although I never seem to make good on that promise, do I?  Oh well!  In the meantime, enjoy this picture of our Little Beauty.

  

Coming Back

A friend of mine recently decided to say goodbye to the blog she has been writing the past 7 years.  For whatever reason, the sign off made me quite emotional and a bit sad.  I find myself running back to my own neglected blog for solace. 

I'm still not totally sure why, but I felt God tugging at my heart this spring.  I needed to step away from blogging for a period of time.  I needed to simplify my life a bit.  I needed to focus on more important things.  Now that the summer is coming to a close, perhaps I can open this door once again.

So many thoughts are swirling in my head.  So many updates and changes to be shared.  And yet as frantic as the ideas are spinning, I hear a small voice saying to be still.  And so, for now, still is how I will remain. 

Slow Motion

When you want something so badly, time seems to creep by.  I have 10 days left until I meet my younger daughter.  Only 3 and a half more of those are work days.  Yet it feels like I still have an eternity to go.  I am so tired.  I feel like I've checked out mentally.  Part of me wishes I would go into labor tonight.

And yet there's the other part of me that wants everything to go as planned next Friday.  I made this Friday my last day at work.  The deciding factor wasn't the way I was feeling; after all, I have my good and bad days.  What sealed the deal for me was the idea of having four days of Mommy and Bianca time.  Harry will be back to school, so I will have four precious days to bond with my older daughter.  I plan to smother her with love and hugs and laughter and stories and snowballs - and whatever else her heart desires.  She is my first born, and I see so much of myself in her.  She will always be special to me, and I don't want her ever doubting that.

At the same time, I am eagerly awaiting the birth of Alex.  She will add a whole new dynamic to the Martin family.  I'm looking forward to life with more than one child.  I can't wait to see who she looks like, what her personality will be, and the little lady she will turn into.  I can't wait to see my girls playing together and learning to be friends.  I want all of this so badly.  And so the next 10 days will drag on...  

Words to Live By

~ People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
~ If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish motives.  Be kind anyway.
~ If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.  Succeed anyway.
~ If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.
~ When you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.  Build anyway.
~ If you find serenity and happiness, someone may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
~ The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.  Do good anyway.
~ Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
~ In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Theresa

Wishcasting Wednesday: Create

Today Jamie asked the question, What do you wish to create?

~ I wish to create the perfect birthday party for Bianca.
~ I wish to create a creative workspace for myself complete with desk.
~ I wish to create a peaceful, inviting, loving, welcoming home.
~ I wish to create a photo/art journal.  (I started one for Bianca, but never finished.)
~ I wish to create a healthy body.
~ I wish to create a balanced life.
~ I wish to create a name for myself professionally.
~ I wish to create a successful holistic health career.
~ I wish to create a new life by the sea.
~ I wish to create a healing, inspiring studio for myself and my clients.
~ I wish to create love and joy in all my encounters.

Miserable Pregnant Lady

My status on Facebook yesterday said, "Even though I really tried to avoid it, I think I am turning into one of those miserable pregnant ladies."  I am tired, my body hurts, it's getting harder to walk, and I just plain want to run away and hide for the next few weeks!

I talked to Harry last night, and as long as my boss agrees, I think that August 17th will be my last day at work.  I am just so miserable, and I'm having a hard time concentrating.  Going out a few days earlier would also let me have four days of Mommy and Bianca time before Alex arrives.  I know in my heart that she will adjust well.  I just don't want her doubting that she is any more special.

We are almost completely prepared for Alex to make her grand entrance into the world.  Harry is wonderful.  On Monday, he bought diapers, set up the pack-n-play, pulled out the car seat and bases, and got out all of the bottles.  I already washed and put away all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes.  All that's left to do now is to buy another base for my Mom's car, install them all, and pack the hospital bag.  I just need to go to Target and pick up some travel-sized toiletries first.  Hopefully all that will be done this weekend.

Only 16 more days to go.  Secretly, I'm hoping to go into labor on my own.  I have heard, however, that you should look at your mother's birth experiences to predict your own.  Since my beautiful mommy had three failed induction attempts with my sister, I doubt I will go early.  Legend has it, though, that Domino's pizza played a big part in getting her out.  Perhaps we need to place a pizza order or two the next two weeks!!!

Blah

I don't feel good today.  I am tired.  I am nauseous.  I have a headache.  My stomach is queasy.  I really just want to sleep.  I have a feeling the next three weeks at work are going to be tougher than I imagined.  I know I don't have a choice but to stick it out.  I just wish there was a way I could hide, close my eyes and nap briefly on days like today.

Harder the Second Time

This past Sunday we went to a family birthday party.  My cousin's wife had her second child three months ago.  She is a teacher, so she has been home all summer.  She said that going back to work seems so much harder now than it did when her first child was born.  She said she has to say goodbye to her son all over again, and she is leaving her daughter behind, too.  She said it hurt her heart.

I was trying not to dwell on this conversation, but yesterday, after I entered the elevator in my parking garage, a woman I've never seen before asked me when I was due.  I happily told her 23 days.  She congratulated me and said that she had just returned from maternity leave and it was super hard to be back at work.  I asked her if it was first child and she said no, it was her second.  She said, "Coming back the first time was easy.  The second time is so much worse!"

Ugh....It took me close to three years to be at peace with leaving Bianca at home while I worked outside of the home.  Guess I'm going to go through the struggle all over again in a few months.  But at least I know ahead of time and can try to prepare myself mentally for it.  (Though I know that fact won't help what my heart feels!)

Wishcasting Wednesday: Experience

Today, Jamie posed the question, What do you wish to experience?

I can think of so many answers!  I wish to experience:

~ Life with multiple, happy children.
~ Life in a healthy, fit, trim body.
~ Deep conversation and connection with my husband.
~ True freedom and joy by knowing God.
~ Offering complete forgiveness.
~ Complete healing from the pains of my past.
~ Peace within my extended family.
~ Looking back without questioning or longing.
~ A successful and fruitful 25-year administrative career.
~ Sustained belly laughs.
~ The craving of fruits and vegetables.
~ A meditation retreat.
~ A spinning class.
~ Kickboxing.
~ Traveling to Ireland, Australia, Germany and Italy.
~ Crazy, romantic love.
~ Long-lasting, deepening, growing friendships.
~ Winning a crown in the Mrs. Maryland pageant.
~ Being back in the spotlight on stage.
~ Participating in a drum circle.
~ Being covered in body paint and mehndi.
~ The ability to give without reservation.
~ Graduation from my doctorate program.
~ The renewing of our marriage vows.
~ A photo shoot where I feel completely confident and radiant.
~ Regular and frequent spa treatments.
~ Sex that is both physically and spiritually satisfying.
~ Watching my children's dreams come true.
~ Hawaii with my BFF.
~ Retirement in a beach cottage.
~ My holistic health career.
~ Being regarded with high esteem.
~ All the adventures life has to offer!!

August

Huzzah!  August is finally here!  This is the month I will get to meet my Daughter-to-Be, and I can't wait!  This has been quite a busy week for me, and it will continue well into the weekend.  If I can just make it through Sunday, next week I can concentrate on baby issues, like buying diapers, installing the carseat bases, and packing my hospital bag.

Last night I had dinner with my stepmother.  I was craving steamed crabs, and she offered to buy some for me.  So yummy!  During our two-hour conversation, she asked me if I was still interested in pursuing Massage Therapy.  Without a doubt, the answer is yes; however, my priorities have shifted quite a bit.  Now that I am content at work, I want to focus on how to build a 25-year career at UM.  That way, I can at least give my children the option of going to college for free.  (As long as my benefits don't change before then!)

Yes, I do want to pursue massage, but I think it will have to wait until my children are older and Harry and I are nearing retirement.  I can picture myself living in a beach resort, offering healing massages at reasonable prices.  It wouldn't be about the money; it would solely be about my vocation and purpose.  I imagine it would be much more satisfying that way.

I must sound like a broken record most days, but I am very tired today.  Even the mocha I had this morning didn't help.  I really feel like I could crawl into bed and sleep for a whole day if allowed.  Getting up so many times during the night is not helping matters at all.  Baking a baby really is hard work.  I will be happy when this gestation period is over.  Then I can start working on getting my body and my energy back.

At least the end is clearly in sight: 23 more days at the latest!!