Ugh

I haven't been feeling well for a while now.  Particularly where my digestion is concerned.  Here I am, awake another night at 3 AM, waiting for the pain in my stomach to pass.

I had yet another appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday to discuss my medications.  We are going to tweak them slightly; however, to really understand what is triggering my IBS symptoms, I need to get serious about tracking my food (what and when), any notable moods/situations, and my symptoms (what, intensity, duration).  I keep saying I will do this, but as seems to be a recurrent theme in my life, I am full of talk and no action.  Hopefully putting the intention out in the universe will help hold me more accountable to doing it.  I am desperate to feel better.

Rebranding

I am part of a pilot group coaching program offered through an organization on campus called UMBrella whose mission is to empower women to become leaders at UMB and beyond.  If I'm being honest, I haven't gotten much out of the program, as much of the discussion has been generic and shallow.  Our topic last month, however, got me so excited and engaged - personal branding.

I really do want to get clear on where I am headed in life.  Most days I feel like I am floating in the ocean, being pushed and pulled by its current, instead of swimming in a specific direction.  While I do realize that I am not ultimately in control of my life, I do believe that God made us with the ability to create.  He places dreams and passions and talents inside of us and invites us into the creation process by letting us direct how they manifest in our lives (or not if we choose to bury those aspects of ourselves in the ground.)

For many years I have held a dream in my heart.  Circle's End would be a place where women come to heal.  Massage therapy, women's circles, a library of wellness books, nutrition advice, one-on-one coaching, collaging, comfortable seating, beautiful art, calming scents, fresh air, bright sunlight, a fairy garden.  Pinterest helped me realize that its physical location would be a craftsman cottage bungalow complete with a gate and wind chimes and a comfortable gathering place on the large front porch.  I have also said that the first step in making Circle's End a reality is going to massage school. 
One of my coaching colleagues asked the question during our personal branding session, "Is it possible to rebrand yourself?  If you don't like the image you've created for yourself up until now, can you change it?"  For me, that question was so profound.  And I decided that I did, in fact, need to rebrand myself.  

For the past few weeks I have been taking many online career fit assessments.  I read the book "What Color is Your Parachute" on a recommendation from our campus Ombudsman, and I read a book on personal branding that I saw near it at the library.

The one thing that struck me as odd in all of these assessments is that Massage Therapist did not appear as a good job fit for me.  But after contemplating this fact, I realize it's because I do not like science.  Anatomy and physiology actually scare me.  I am not good at memorization.  Of course a job that requires so much scientific knowledge would not result.  So now I feel I am left with a conundrum. 

On one hand, I'm not quite sure if massage therapy is the best fit for me.  On the other, Circle's End is still calling me.  I need to figure out a way to marry and resolve these two tensions.

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

I started a new devotional via the Bible App earlier this week called The Dream Centered Life by Luke Barnett.  At the end of Day 1, the author asks a simple question: What dream is stirring inside of you?  I honestly have many lofty ideas floating around inside of me, but the persistent stirring of writing, of documenting my journey of highs and lows, of having a space where I can express my authentic self to the world drew me back to this blog.
It's been over three years since I've posted a word on here.  I know that times are different.  That people don't blog for the simple sake of blogging anymore.  That the focus is on SEO keywords and monetizing and branding and layouts and offering useful content.  But none of those things interest me.  I simply want to share my voice, a piece of my life with anyone willing to accept it.

The truth is I have a very busy, very full life, and yet I am achingly unsettled.  Perhaps it is because I am quickly approaching 40, but I find myself questioning why I am here in the first place.  Wondering how I am supposed to be making a difference.  Seeking the way I can make the world a better place before I'm gone. 

Having a sacred space where I can sort through the million thoughts that dance through my head each day is the very thing I need to navigate this tumultuous time in my life.  I will probably break every modern blogging rule in the process, but I need to answer my soul's desire to write on a more consistent basis again.  I am eager to see the fruit that will grow because of it.