Thoughts

I have so much "stuff" swarming around in my head right now.

1) Massage Therapy. I have wanted to become a massage therapist for so long. The thought of Circle's End came to me in 2002, but way before that, I toyed with the idea of massage. I even requested information from three different massage schools while I was still at Villa Julie. I remember one day at VJC during my junior year, I saw a girl in a massage therapy uniform, and I immediately felt a longing. My journals I kept at VJC talk of how I was in the wrong major, but I felt too much pressure to stay right where I was.

Fast forward to 2010 - my year of action. With the support of my husband and my two best friends, it was decided that I could apply to massage school THIS YEAR - much quicker than we originally anticipated. Praise God!

Of course, there has to be a catch. Before I can even apply for the program I have to complete (or be enrolled in) two prerequisites: MASS 101 and BIOL 109. I was planning to take both this summer. Unfortunately, the classes conflict. There is a hybrid Anatomy and Physiology class, where you take the class online, and attend lab in person one day a week. That would have been the perfect solution - except the lab is Fridays from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. - which conflicts with work.

I emailed the instructor of the hybrid class. I emailed the Case Manager of the Massage Therapy Program. And I emailed the Director of the program. I just wrote to the Director this morning, so I am still waiting on her response. I explained the situation and asked if there was any way around it. I also asked if a student could be accepted on a provisional basis if she hadn't yet taken the program prerequisites. I still have to wait for an answer, but sadly, it's looking like I may have to wait and apply for the program next year.

In good news, I registered for MASS 101. The class begins on June 7th. I know it's going to be difficult balancing everything, but I'm really looking forward to it. I will also be attending the program's Open House tomorrow night. Even if I am forced to wait until next year to apply, I still want to go and see what the program has to offer.

2) My "day job." I've never really felt completely comfortable here. And now that it is getting in the way of pursuing my dreams, I dislike it even more. I keep thinking...if only I didn't have this job, then I could attend school no problem. Sadly, we can't afford for me to quit. I make $40,000 a year. That isn't small change. And even if I am successful with Pink Papaya, I don't think I could reasonably make that much money each year. I would have no problem walking away from here today, but with a new house, a baby, and a husband who doesn't get paid during the summer, that action is simply not an option.

I have tried to be positive about my job. I have asked God to increase me right where I am. I have asked Him to be with me and help me be effective as I go throughout my day. I have tried to surround myself with His Word while at work. I have tried to remember that even though I don't understand why, I am here for a reason. But none of these things have helped me. I truly do want my attitude to change. I just don't know how else to try. I feel so deflated and trapped.

3) Pink Papaya. I am in LOVE with this business. Even though I've only been at it for less than a month. Even though I am still in the hole financially. I just finally feel good - amazingly good - about it. I can see myself being successful. I can see myself being promoted. I can see myself building a team. I can see myself achieving the title of Vice President. I believe with my whole heart that God is leading this venture, and I am just along for the ride!

Sadly, no one else in my life except my co-pilot Steph and my upline Cathy understands. I think everyone is being supportive the best way they can - but I don't think anyone truly believes I will succeed. Even Harry reminded me this morning that I still have a long way to go before I break even. It's hard when you believe in something so strongly and passionately, and yet, you receive mostly negative feedback in return. It hurts my feelings in a way.

4) Church. I am feeling all out of sorts, and I know it's because I haven't gone to church in three weeks. I am so desperate for a church home. We just have yet to find a place that will meet the needs of each one of us. I had high hopes for LifeBridge, but even though we had a positive experience, I'm not really all that interested in going back. It didn't really move my spirit at all. And Harry frustrates me. I want him to be the spiritual head of our family. I hate that he doesn't take much interest in finding a church and that all the decisions in this area seem to fall on me. I guess the sad truth of the matter is that we're not equally yoked. I guess I was hoping that would change once we found a church that moved us both. But it's been harder than expected to find a home.

6) My health. I have been majorly slacking where my working out is concerned. I thought that having Steph join the 30-Day Shred challenge would help to motivate me get out of bed. But it hasn't. The alarm goes off at 5:00, and I can't find the strength to get up. So I choose to sleep the extra 45 minutes. There is no way I can lose the weight I wanted to by my birthday. I'm just too inactive. I also haven't been making any true effort where my diet is concerned. We have so much processed food in the house that can't be good for us at all - yet we eat it every night because it is convenient, relatively quick, and tastes good. The Proverbs 31 Woman fed her family quality foods. If I want to be like her, I have a LONG way to go.

7) Bianca. I complain all day that I don't see enough of her and I don't spend any time with her. Yet when I get home, the first thing I want to do is get on the computer and take care of Pink Papaya. I'm not playing with her like I should. I'm not reading to her like I should. I'm not singing to her like I should. I'm not feeding her like I should. I just lay her down on the floor or the couch and sit next to her with my laptop. I feel like a horrible mother. I'm nothing like the Mother I imagined I would be. And I feel so disappointed in myself. I've stopped giving her negative energy, but now, I'm hardly giving her any energy at all. This has to stop.

8) Harry. I love my husband. I truly do. I don't know what I would do without him. But I feel so disconnected from him right now. He thinks it's because I spend too much time on Pink Papaya. I personally think it's because I want someone who "gets" me, and in a lot of ways, I don't think he does. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I know there have to be days when he is home alone watching sports that he wished he had a wife who would sit right next to him and cheer and talk statistics and not leave him alone so much. I hate myself for writing this, but I wonder if we made a mistake by getting married. They say that opposites attract, but what happens when you're just TOO opposite?

So in the perfect world, here's how everything would play out:
1. I make $40,000+ a year with Pink Papaya.
2. I am able to quit my day job.
3. My schedule has flexibility so that I can attend school every semester and graduate in 2 years.
4. I am able to stay at home with Bianca, only dropping her off at Aunt Dot's when I go to class.
5. I become a vegetarian.
6. My skin looks great and I have a lot more energy.
7. I have so much energy that getting up in the morning to exercise is no issue at all.
8. I am at a healthy weight and I feel great physically and mentally.
9. We have a church home.
10. We pray together as a family and as a couple each night.
11. I read my Bible daily.
12. I make an effort to watch and be enthusiastic about sports.
13. We have a regular date night.
14. We feel closer than ever.

But this isn't a perfect world, and I just have to wait and see how everything will turn out.

Day Zero Project

In my quest to improve myself, I have decided to participate in the Day Zero Project.  I was toying with the idea of keeping a separate blog to record my progress, but my awesome co-pilot Steph thought trying to keep up with three different blogs might be a little much for me.  Is she a wise woman or what?  I decided to listen to her and not start a separate blog.  I may, however, refer to my list from time to time, so here is my complete list of 101 tasks to complete in 1001 days:

1) Create PhotoBook of our house being built
2) Finish decorating every room in our house
3) Finish Bianca's journal
4) Plant and maintain a garden
5) Go on a cruise
6) Stay in a Bed & Breakfast
7) Take a Tai Chi class
8) Read 101 books
9) Read the Message Bible
10) Send 3 "Just Because" care packages
11) Write 20 random notes and leave them for people to find
12) Try 25 new recipes
13) Find/join a cell group
14) Visit the library at least once a month
15) Have "Girls Weekend" with Mom
16) Go on a Christian women's retreat
17) Complete the 29 gifts project (http://www.29gifts.org/)
18) Fit into a size 8
19) Read the 7 spiritual books that Leonie recommends
20) Keep a prayer journal
21) Write 50 handwritten notes to friends
22) Write myself a letter and don't open it until January 1, 2013
23) Journal or blog daily
24) Ride my bike at least twice a week
25) Go on a missions trip
26) Take a bath with Harry
27) Clean the bathrooms at least twice a month
28) Read 20 holistic health books
29) Use only reusable bags when shopping
30) Sit down with Grandma and ask for parenting advice
31) Floss every day
32) Wash my face every night before bed
33) Write 10 poems
34) Try playing tennis
35) Try Raindrop Therapy or a new spa treatment
36) Make the bed every morning
37) Go for a walk/run 3 times a week
38) Go to the dentist every six months
39) Work only 8 hours per day every day for a month
40) Create 5-year plan for working towards a new career
41) Learn self-massage techniques for my neck and shoulders
42) Learn infant massage
43) Pay off my car
44) Go through pictures on my laptop; get special ones developed
45) Strive to be a Proverbs 31 Woman
46) Complete the "Couch to 5K Program"
47) Have Girls Day once a season
48) Have Lasik eye surgery
49) Eat at least one vegetable per day
50) Detail my car once a month
51) Send a message in a bottle
52) Do something romantic for Harry once a month
53) Take a beginner dance class for adults
54) Complete Bianca's Baby Books
55) Buy 10 CDs stored in my AOL "Music" folder
56) Go on a family vacation with Harry, Bianca, Mom, Kris, and Damian
57) Go to a Maryland Terps basketball game with Harry
58) Bake cookies using the recipe on the Nestle Tollhouse bag
59) Go to the Aquarium with Harry and Bianca
60) Go to Caesar's Poconos Resort for romantic weekend
61) Go to an Oriole's away game
62) Go to a Capital's game
63) Write a Letter to the Editor for a newspaper
64) Grown an indoor herb garden
65) Go to the Baltimore Zoo with Harry and Bianca
66) Go on a Couple's Picnic
67) Buy a beta fish and display it in the living room or my office
68) Donate blood on a regular basis
69) Take a kickboxing class
70) Create a pushpin map of the U.S. to mark the states Harry & I visit together
71) Get picture taken in photo booth in OCMD with Harry & Bianca
72) Attend the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC
73) Plan something exciting for Harry's 35th Birthday
74) Make a stepping stone for our garden
75) Walk/play outside together as a family once a week
76) Make a menu plan on Sunday for the rest of the week
77) Look into getting my toenail removed
78) Read to Bianca every day
79) Host a Cookie Exchange
80) Get pregnant again
81) Find a new church home
82) Create an altar at home
83) Go hiking with Kathleen or someone of similar energy and inspiration
84) Take a day trip with myself and my journal
85) Volunteer 101 hours
86) Take a mental health day
87) Take the stairs at work every day
88) Walk 10,000 steps every day
89) Write a fan letter to an author I admire
90) Start a new gratitude/pleasure journal
91) Drink at least 32 oz of water a day
92) Create a vision board for Circle's End
93) Host a theme movie/dinner night
94) Visit the Outer Banks or a new beach
95) Take a photo of Bianca every day for a year
96) Create PhotoBook with all 365 pictures of her
97) Fill a journal for Harry
98) Visit Africa
99) Join the Worship Team at church
100) Create new exercise chart; Actually reward myself
101) Make at least $50,000 in base salary a year