Thoughts

I have so much "stuff" swarming around in my head right now.

1) Massage Therapy. I have wanted to become a massage therapist for so long. The thought of Circle's End came to me in 2002, but way before that, I toyed with the idea of massage. I even requested information from three different massage schools while I was still at Villa Julie. I remember one day at VJC during my junior year, I saw a girl in a massage therapy uniform, and I immediately felt a longing. My journals I kept at VJC talk of how I was in the wrong major, but I felt too much pressure to stay right where I was.

Fast forward to 2010 - my year of action. With the support of my husband and my two best friends, it was decided that I could apply to massage school THIS YEAR - much quicker than we originally anticipated. Praise God!

Of course, there has to be a catch. Before I can even apply for the program I have to complete (or be enrolled in) two prerequisites: MASS 101 and BIOL 109. I was planning to take both this summer. Unfortunately, the classes conflict. There is a hybrid Anatomy and Physiology class, where you take the class online, and attend lab in person one day a week. That would have been the perfect solution - except the lab is Fridays from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. - which conflicts with work.

I emailed the instructor of the hybrid class. I emailed the Case Manager of the Massage Therapy Program. And I emailed the Director of the program. I just wrote to the Director this morning, so I am still waiting on her response. I explained the situation and asked if there was any way around it. I also asked if a student could be accepted on a provisional basis if she hadn't yet taken the program prerequisites. I still have to wait for an answer, but sadly, it's looking like I may have to wait and apply for the program next year.

In good news, I registered for MASS 101. The class begins on June 7th. I know it's going to be difficult balancing everything, but I'm really looking forward to it. I will also be attending the program's Open House tomorrow night. Even if I am forced to wait until next year to apply, I still want to go and see what the program has to offer.

2) My "day job." I've never really felt completely comfortable here. And now that it is getting in the way of pursuing my dreams, I dislike it even more. I keep thinking...if only I didn't have this job, then I could attend school no problem. Sadly, we can't afford for me to quit. I make $40,000 a year. That isn't small change. And even if I am successful with Pink Papaya, I don't think I could reasonably make that much money each year. I would have no problem walking away from here today, but with a new house, a baby, and a husband who doesn't get paid during the summer, that action is simply not an option.

I have tried to be positive about my job. I have asked God to increase me right where I am. I have asked Him to be with me and help me be effective as I go throughout my day. I have tried to surround myself with His Word while at work. I have tried to remember that even though I don't understand why, I am here for a reason. But none of these things have helped me. I truly do want my attitude to change. I just don't know how else to try. I feel so deflated and trapped.

3) Pink Papaya. I am in LOVE with this business. Even though I've only been at it for less than a month. Even though I am still in the hole financially. I just finally feel good - amazingly good - about it. I can see myself being successful. I can see myself being promoted. I can see myself building a team. I can see myself achieving the title of Vice President. I believe with my whole heart that God is leading this venture, and I am just along for the ride!

Sadly, no one else in my life except my co-pilot Steph and my upline Cathy understands. I think everyone is being supportive the best way they can - but I don't think anyone truly believes I will succeed. Even Harry reminded me this morning that I still have a long way to go before I break even. It's hard when you believe in something so strongly and passionately, and yet, you receive mostly negative feedback in return. It hurts my feelings in a way.

4) Church. I am feeling all out of sorts, and I know it's because I haven't gone to church in three weeks. I am so desperate for a church home. We just have yet to find a place that will meet the needs of each one of us. I had high hopes for LifeBridge, but even though we had a positive experience, I'm not really all that interested in going back. It didn't really move my spirit at all. And Harry frustrates me. I want him to be the spiritual head of our family. I hate that he doesn't take much interest in finding a church and that all the decisions in this area seem to fall on me. I guess the sad truth of the matter is that we're not equally yoked. I guess I was hoping that would change once we found a church that moved us both. But it's been harder than expected to find a home.

6) My health. I have been majorly slacking where my working out is concerned. I thought that having Steph join the 30-Day Shred challenge would help to motivate me get out of bed. But it hasn't. The alarm goes off at 5:00, and I can't find the strength to get up. So I choose to sleep the extra 45 minutes. There is no way I can lose the weight I wanted to by my birthday. I'm just too inactive. I also haven't been making any true effort where my diet is concerned. We have so much processed food in the house that can't be good for us at all - yet we eat it every night because it is convenient, relatively quick, and tastes good. The Proverbs 31 Woman fed her family quality foods. If I want to be like her, I have a LONG way to go.

7) Bianca. I complain all day that I don't see enough of her and I don't spend any time with her. Yet when I get home, the first thing I want to do is get on the computer and take care of Pink Papaya. I'm not playing with her like I should. I'm not reading to her like I should. I'm not singing to her like I should. I'm not feeding her like I should. I just lay her down on the floor or the couch and sit next to her with my laptop. I feel like a horrible mother. I'm nothing like the Mother I imagined I would be. And I feel so disappointed in myself. I've stopped giving her negative energy, but now, I'm hardly giving her any energy at all. This has to stop.

8) Harry. I love my husband. I truly do. I don't know what I would do without him. But I feel so disconnected from him right now. He thinks it's because I spend too much time on Pink Papaya. I personally think it's because I want someone who "gets" me, and in a lot of ways, I don't think he does. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I know there have to be days when he is home alone watching sports that he wished he had a wife who would sit right next to him and cheer and talk statistics and not leave him alone so much. I hate myself for writing this, but I wonder if we made a mistake by getting married. They say that opposites attract, but what happens when you're just TOO opposite?

So in the perfect world, here's how everything would play out:
1. I make $40,000+ a year with Pink Papaya.
2. I am able to quit my day job.
3. My schedule has flexibility so that I can attend school every semester and graduate in 2 years.
4. I am able to stay at home with Bianca, only dropping her off at Aunt Dot's when I go to class.
5. I become a vegetarian.
6. My skin looks great and I have a lot more energy.
7. I have so much energy that getting up in the morning to exercise is no issue at all.
8. I am at a healthy weight and I feel great physically and mentally.
9. We have a church home.
10. We pray together as a family and as a couple each night.
11. I read my Bible daily.
12. I make an effort to watch and be enthusiastic about sports.
13. We have a regular date night.
14. We feel closer than ever.

But this isn't a perfect world, and I just have to wait and see how everything will turn out.