Discontent

I’m sure my PMS is kicking in, but I’m having a rough morning. I really do try to stay positive when it comes to my life. It’s just so hard when I start dwelling on my job – which is exactly what I did when I woke up this morning. My boss sent me an email that asked me to change something. No big deal, right? So tell me: why did I let it bother me so much? I cried. A lot. And I made the comment, “sometimes I don’t know why I’m alive.” Harry got upset at me and said, “That’s a great thing to say in front of your daughter.” I guess I used the wrong words. What I was really trying to say was “I don’t know what my purpose in life is.” I’m pretty sure I was put on this earth to love and empower others. But if that’s the case, what am I doing at the University of Maryland being someone else’s gopher instead of feeding my soul and the souls of others? Why did I spend so many years studying business when it does nothing for me? Why do I have two Master’s degrees and yet am at the very bottom of the organization? Obviously, I don’t belong here. This is supposed to be my year of action, right? But what happens when you don’t even know where to start?

I registered for a class at Essex Community College yesterday: “The Basics of Swedish Massage.” I am so excited about it. Here is one of the dreams that has been lurking in my heart for so many years finally starting to take concrete shape in becoming reality. I just know it will fuel my desire to go to massage school. Of course, finances and having a baby won’t allow me to take this route for quite a while. But once I know the basics, I am determined to practice, practice, practice until my time comes.

I also bought a DVD this weekend that shows how to give infant massage. I haven’t opened it yet, as I am hiding the purchase from my husband. But I can’t wait to dive into it and treat Bianca.

So maybe these are little baby steps I’ve taken. It’s a start. I just wish I could find more contentment at work in the “meantime.” Any suggestions?