Ugh

I haven't been feeling well for a while now.  Particularly where my digestion is concerned.  Here I am, awake another night at 3 AM, waiting for the pain in my stomach to pass.

I had yet another appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday to discuss my medications.  We are going to tweak them slightly; however, to really understand what is triggering my IBS symptoms, I need to get serious about tracking my food (what and when), any notable moods/situations, and my symptoms (what, intensity, duration).  I keep saying I will do this, but as seems to be a recurrent theme in my life, I am full of talk and no action.  Hopefully putting the intention out in the universe will help hold me more accountable to doing it.  I am desperate to feel better.

Rebranding

I am part of a pilot group coaching program offered through an organization on campus called UMBrella whose mission is to empower women to become leaders at UMB and beyond.  If I'm being honest, I haven't gotten much out of the program, as much of the discussion has been generic and shallow.  Our topic last month, however, got me so excited and engaged - personal branding.

I really do want to get clear on where I am headed in life.  Most days I feel like I am floating in the ocean, being pushed and pulled by its current, instead of swimming in a specific direction.  While I do realize that I am not ultimately in control of my life, I do believe that God made us with the ability to create.  He places dreams and passions and talents inside of us and invites us into the creation process by letting us direct how they manifest in our lives (or not if we choose to bury those aspects of ourselves in the ground.)

For many years I have held a dream in my heart.  Circle's End would be a place where women come to heal.  Massage therapy, women's circles, a library of wellness books, nutrition advice, one-on-one coaching, collaging, comfortable seating, beautiful art, calming scents, fresh air, bright sunlight, a fairy garden.  Pinterest helped me realize that its physical location would be a craftsman cottage bungalow complete with a gate and wind chimes and a comfortable gathering place on the large front porch.  I have also said that the first step in making Circle's End a reality is going to massage school. 
One of my coaching colleagues asked the question during our personal branding session, "Is it possible to rebrand yourself?  If you don't like the image you've created for yourself up until now, can you change it?"  For me, that question was so profound.  And I decided that I did, in fact, need to rebrand myself.  

For the past few weeks I have been taking many online career fit assessments.  I read the book "What Color is Your Parachute" on a recommendation from our campus Ombudsman, and I read a book on personal branding that I saw near it at the library.

The one thing that struck me as odd in all of these assessments is that Massage Therapist did not appear as a good job fit for me.  But after contemplating this fact, I realize it's because I do not like science.  Anatomy and physiology actually scare me.  I am not good at memorization.  Of course a job that requires so much scientific knowledge would not result.  So now I feel I am left with a conundrum. 

On one hand, I'm not quite sure if massage therapy is the best fit for me.  On the other, Circle's End is still calling me.  I need to figure out a way to marry and resolve these two tensions.

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

I started a new devotional via the Bible App earlier this week called The Dream Centered Life by Luke Barnett.  At the end of Day 1, the author asks a simple question: What dream is stirring inside of you?  I honestly have many lofty ideas floating around inside of me, but the persistent stirring of writing, of documenting my journey of highs and lows, of having a space where I can express my authentic self to the world drew me back to this blog.
It's been over three years since I've posted a word on here.  I know that times are different.  That people don't blog for the simple sake of blogging anymore.  That the focus is on SEO keywords and monetizing and branding and layouts and offering useful content.  But none of those things interest me.  I simply want to share my voice, a piece of my life with anyone willing to accept it.

The truth is I have a very busy, very full life, and yet I am achingly unsettled.  Perhaps it is because I am quickly approaching 40, but I find myself questioning why I am here in the first place.  Wondering how I am supposed to be making a difference.  Seeking the way I can make the world a better place before I'm gone. 

Having a sacred space where I can sort through the million thoughts that dance through my head each day is the very thing I need to navigate this tumultuous time in my life.  I will probably break every modern blogging rule in the process, but I need to answer my soul's desire to write on a more consistent basis again.  I am eager to see the fruit that will grow because of it.

4 weeks till 35

There are 28 days before I hit my milestone of 35. I am feeling the urgency to reflect on what I want the last two-thirds of my life to look like. I need to start planting seeds and taking baby steps now to be heading in the right direction. Otherwise, I will end up somewhere completely off course, feeling restless and unfulfilled and questioning the authenticity of my life.

Here's what I know: I want to live a healthy, balanced, integrated life. I want to have a satisfying career that fulfills me spiritually and mentally and provides me with ample resources to live a comfortable life. I want to move and feed my body healthy foods every day. I want to break my addictions. I want to get rid of the pain in my tired, overweight body. I want to eat organic, local foods. I want to compose. I want to have less of a carbon footprint. I want to serve my church and my community. I want to spend quality time and nurture healthy relationships with my husband, my children and my friends. I want to spend more time outside, soaking up the warmth of the sun and the sound of the ocean. I want to enjoy regular massages, facials and teeth cleanings. I want to spend time in silence and meditation. I want to connect with God. I want to savor real, organic dark chocolate. I want beautiful, comfortable, stylish clothes. I want glowing skin, strong hair, bright eyes, and white teeth. I want a flat stomach and a toned physique. I want to love and laugh passionately. Always. I want to support people that come into my life with my words and my love. I want to be present and more fully alive. I want to experience true joy. I want to read and to write. I want to sing and dance and play. I want to shine brightly. I want to taste Heaven on Earth.

beautiful day

A small ice storm passed through Baltimore in the evening hours, which allowed my school to open at 10 AM this morning. With the two extra hours of personal time I gained, I was able to run on the treadmill for 40 minutes, cut images and text out of a magazine, and read a book to my girls. My hubby and I even shared a passionate kiss on my way out the door. I was focused at work and was able to complete the majority of my pending tasks. I played briefly on Facebook and cried as I watched the video montage of the past six years it created for me. I brainstormed ideas for the job portfolio I am creating. I looked back at some kinds words my former boss wrote about me. In general, I just feel proud and accomplished and loved.

The sun is setting, and in a matter of minutes I will be heading home to my Loves. I don't know what mundane adventures tonight will bring, but all in all, it's been a beautiful day. <3

why not?

A reoccurring theme showing up for me lately is: take risks.  My pastor addressed this topic on Sunday, saying that within the risks is where growth occurs.  I really love that.  After all, who wants to live a life of stagnation?  I think of a murky, bacteria-filled swamp compared to a fresh, bubbling brook.  Which one would you rather drink from?

I have heard the popular Mason Cooley quote, "'Why not' is a slogan for an interesting life," but up until now, I've paid it little mind.  Now that I am turning 35 and ready to start really living, however, I have decided to answer the majority of questions presented to me with those two words: why not?

This weekend I applied for a Program Director position within my school.  I may not be totally qualified, and it's three pay grades higher than my current position, but why not?  Why not try?  Why not get my name out there?  Why not nail the interview, accept the position, get a big raise to go along with my new powerful title, and be the most amazing director that my school has ever seen?  Why not?

Today I purchased a Groupon to take the courses necessary to obtain a PMP certification.  Why not?  Project management is a hot topic in research.  Why not better myself?  Why not obtain new skills that may improve my job performance?  Why not add some extra initials behind my name?  Why not?
   
I've only just begun on this journey of becoming more fully alive, but already it is feeling so good!

my fresh start

In 11 weeks and 4 days, I will be turning 35. Truthfully, I am excited for this milestone. I'm feeling settled in general; I have a wonderful husband, three beautiful children, a comfortable house, a fantastic church, a good job, impressive credentials, a supportive family, and forever friends. A lot of my prior insecurities and doubts have been replaced with new truths, and I am learning how to fully embrace my freedom in Christ. I've been going through the motions for way too long, and particularly over the last three months, I have been feeling a nudging in my spirit to wake up and to start being present in and enjoying this rich life I've been given. It may have taken me 35 years to get here, but I am ready to fully enjoy the last two-thirds of my life. This comfy nook in Cyberspace will be where I chronicle the details of my mundane journey.